You can thank my husband for today's title as it came out of a conversation in regards to my writing. Before I go into it though, let me start at the beginning.
I take you back to a time when I was fourteen, I was in High School back then and I had been just puttering around in my room. I don't recall being in the middle of anything important and in truth, I don't remember the specific date either. What I do remember is that I had this character, she didn't really have a name, at least not one I can pinpoint as being the first. However I knew everything else from her height, the color of her hair and eyes, even her attitude in general. She is, and I say this honestly, my first character. I've spoken about her a number of times off and on so I'm sure it's obvious that I'm talking about Nyx.
On this one particular day I asked a question of myself that led me to where I am now. I asked simply "How did dancers (as in the profession) come about?" Simple and you wouldn't think it would go anywhere, but it did for some reason. I started having visions of them being mighty warriors, skilled in all aspects of things. A group of people that were not only respected, but envied and left those they passed in simple awe. Immediately I knew that my character would work exceptionally well within in this profession. I went running from there with the idea. I did my research and started to craft together a race of women who lived together in an order. I'm not sure why I didn't come up with something more original than just calling them Dancers. It doesn't matter any more really because there is no doubt in my mind that is their name and that it's always been like that.
Anyway, from the Dancers I began to craft an idea for a story. As a fourteen year old girl I'll admit, the structure I had thought up was, well, depressing. Half formed ideas, concepts that were displayed poorly and frankly my transitions scenes were non-existent. I still have that very first draft of the book and when I look back at it I can't help but laugh at the paltry nature of it.
They are not the first story to suffer from this, nor will they be the last as I slowly move old writing from the paper to the computer. I just can't help but tinker at it. This one story however is the bane of my existence in a way. I'm unable to avoid the thrall of it, though in all truth I don't put that much effort in trying either. It's my story after all so why should I? That's not the problem though, not really. It's a, and I'm extremely biased of course, good story. The problem is that I can't seem to finish the damn thing.
I get about halfway through it and suddenly, bam, I get this idea of how to improve it. Or worse, and I always hate this when it happens to any of my stories, I realize that I didn't do enough preparation time into the bloody thing. There's a question of what next that I can't ever seem to answer even though, ideally, it should be something that I should be able to answer because again it's my book. The hard thing is that when I think I can answer it I realize that to answer question A, I need to know item b, c, and d. If I don't know the items, the question isn't quite so obvious.
To make this even more interesting is that I'm not the only one who is frustrated by this. No joke folks. So many people have heard about the Golden Crown in the last 14 years that I think I've gotten all of them so eager to read it that they wouldn't care if its horrible. They just want it done. My husband is no exception, actually I think he's leading the pack. He tells me constantly to just keep going, to push through past the need to know the items to answer the question, just answer it and get on with it.
Intellectually I know he's right, emotionally I know it too, but for some reason I can't do it.
Here's the usual sequence of events that happens every time the Golden Crown comes out. First I get an idea, I start thinking about it. It gnaws at me for several days until finally I give up and start writing whatever the thought is. I explore it with the words, with my minds eye, even with my ear (yes folks, I talk out my stories, leave me alone). Then, I get to this point that simply exploring the idea isn't enough because snippets of paragraphs, dialogs and over all thoughts from the characters themselves start to invade my writing. I try to push past them, jot down the snippets to go back to the exploration. It doesn't work, it gets worse, more insistent to the point that it invades my dreams until finally I give in and I start writing the scene.
I begin and in two days I write 15 pages worth of stuff, okay, technically it's 14.5, but whose being specific anyway? It shocks me, surprised that so much can flow out so fast. The reality is that these long bursts of writing happen so often that it really shouldn't be a surprise or a shock and that frankly, I should just give in at the very beginning when they first start pushing at me (the snippets that is) and save myself from agony. But can I do something like that? Noooo, that's indecent!
Anyway, so the shock leaves me bewildered, I do my little head shake and despite my vow not to tell Ike that once again I'm almost back to the drawing board instead of writing the story about the Golden Crown, I have to say "Wow dear, can you believe that in two days I wrote 15 pages worth of stuff?"
Naturally Ike asks me what did I write about? Which story is it this time? I then give him some speech about how I'm not sure if I should tell him because I know how he's going to react. Usually he says tell me anyway so I do. Tonight though he did something different. I told him that and he shrugged and said, "Okay, then don't tell me."
I was caught completely off guard and now, an hour or so later, I realize why he did it, because he already knew just by me saying it what story I was working on. I stare at him, he smiles then tells me to go ahead and say it because if I don't it's just going to eat at me. So I do and sure enough he has this look of not again.
Just like always I try to justify it "I'm not changing the story, not starting over. I'm just exploring a certain part that I hadn't before. You know, filling it out."
He then tells me that he thinks I'm now starting to make it too complicated (which he may be right about, but I'm not sure). I explain how I can't help it and once again equate the Golden Crown and Nyx to being my ultimate story. It's the story to rule them all and since Tolkien and C.S. Lewis are both big inspirations for me in regards to what a grade A super novel should be like I am hoping, praying, wishing that the Golden Crown and Nyx will be that for me. Tonight though Ike suggested a different comparison because while yes, both Tolkien and Lewis put in a boat load of details (Tolkien more than Lewis as anyone who has read both can attest to) in their books, it probably didn't take them 20 years to do it. I'd have to research it to find out though as I'm not completely sure on if he's right.
He then mentioned another favorite author that we share, Stephen King. Now anyone who is a Stephen King fan knows all about the Dark Tower Series. He's got bits and pieces of the whole series in everyone one of his books, or if not all of them at the very least most of them. I noticed it first in Insomnia, but you can find it in his earlier books as well. It's like the itch you just can't stop scratching. It's always there, pulsing against your skin begging for relief to the point where you know if you don't itch it, it'll just get worse.
Thinking about it, I realize he's right in a way though I don't think I can slip tiny details about Nyx and the rest of the cast of the Golden Crown into Memory Lane (it's a totally different kettle of fish) or other books (though I do have an idea of where I might be able to pull it off....that's a different subject though).
The joke though isn't that I'm comparing myself to Stephen King (though you have to admit that's pretty funny), no. Instead it deals with the fact that it took Stephen King about 20 years to finish the Dark Tower Series so I figure, if the situation is really like that in regards to the Golden Crown, then I have only 6 more years to struggle with it before it all comes together....yippee!
Wednesday 20 May 2009
Saturday 2 May 2009
Story meets life
I believe I had mentioned a few months ago a story that I was trying to create for a writing contest. Well, since then I have finished it and managed to do it in 3,962 words. Since the max limit had been 4,000 I'm quite proud of myself. It's called an Immortal Life.
The main character is Sela and she's, you got it, an Immortal. Currently we're looking in on her during a week that she takes for herself every year to take a trip down memory lane. She does it for sanity purposes. Overall I think the story is good, I need to spruce it up a bit of course, but on the whole, it's a good story. I do have one complaint and that's only because I couldn't do what I really wanted to do which was go from Sela's trip down memory lane then on to the drama of dealing with another Immortal that she hates because he's in jail for murder. His sentence is life, which as I'm sure you can imagine, would be a problem.
I had this whole time line planned out, meet Sela during her birth week (thanks to a friend of mine I found out that during the time period I had chosen for Sela, the idea of a date to celebrate ones birth hadn't taken hold at the time. Because of this fact Sela choose a date that is close to when she thinks she was born, the first few hundred years is a little hazy for her though so she doesn't know for sure, you understand.) Then go on to the prison to talk to the guy she hates, the only guy she hates. Lots of snippy comments back and forth, a little flash black and tiny breakout attempt (or was it an attempt?) then the story is over.
The problem is that putting that much detail into 4,000 words is impossible. I know, I tried it. Sigh, so maybe someday I'll be able to flesh out the rest. Hell, maybe I'll do it just for the hell of it. If I don't win the contest perhaps I can do that for another contest that allows more than 4,000 words. 25,000 is a good number, I'll look for that instead then I'll be in business.
Anyway, that's not the point I actually wanted to talk about. The point I do want to discuss is how cool, if not a bit ironic, a particular part happens to directly relate to a personal epiphany that I had. Here, I'll quote from the story then go on to explain how I mean.
It was during this time that Sela could feel a role reversal with them. These mortals would take this time to throw off their cares and worries, experience the moment for what it was. To live in just this space without having their problems drag them down. For this one week Sela relied on that fact, needing it like a drug addict needed their fix. It kept her from going down a path of insensibility, kept her sane as she allowed memories of events, friends and families long past to rise up for their say.
That kind of sums up the theme of the story in regards to Immortals, at least in my opinion. I've asked a slew of people whether they would want to be immortal and everyone said yes as long as their was a provision allowing their loved ones (spouse, children, maybe parents) could be immortal together. This says something to me as a whole, that we all wish we could stop worrying about the future (think about it, the phrase I'll get to it eventually takes on a whole new meaning when you can live forever) and that they value the people around them in such a way that they think they can stand being around them for all eternity.
This, however, is not my epiphany though I can't exactly call it an epiphany. Usually those are almost instantaneous, kind of a big huge wham, bam, oh my if I had only figured that out ten years ago! So technically it's just a revelation that I believe started with Sela. My realization is that it's okay to surrender to the pull of life around me.
All right, I can imagine some of you saying "Well duh, we all know that." But do we really? How many of us really put that thought into this moment? I mean, right now I am sitting in front of a computer, trying to focus with contacts that I'm about ready to take out just so I can read this easier, but does it mean anything? Usually I'm wondering, during the pauses of my thought process that is, what do I have to do next. What is on my agenda, what is on my plan for the day. I have since realized however that doing that kind of worrying is extremely stressful. We can all make lists until our hands are crippled in a serious cramp, but what does that get us?
That's an answer for each individual to give, but for myself the answer is nothing. I always felt that I had to be doing something that pushes me forward. That propels me to the next step whether it's cooking dinner or taking the kids out somewhere. Until recently I felt I was nailed down into so many different roles and realities that I felt as if I was being pulled apart by the strain.
While writing Sela's thoughts about living in the moment, it didn't occur to me that I was about to start a very short road from a pressure filled world to a decrease of stress by at least 35% (I'd say more, but that's today, we'll see how it goes tomorrow). In other words folks, I don't feel as tired as I usually do despite having trouble sleeping (really weird and freaky dreams, I'll tell you all about it later once I figure out what flying in lingerie is trying to tell me...p.s. if you know, feel free to tell me).
Okay, give me a sec, I have to take out these contacts, blurred vision is so not fun.....
Ahhh, now I can read the screen....so where was I? Ah yes my revelation.
The first step of this revelation came from Sela I think, a subconscious light flickering on. It just took me about a month and a half for it to go from the subconscious to the conscious forefront. The second came from Ike, my hubby. We were talking about school and the problem I was having about being a writer while going for my web design degree. Basically I felt I was betraying a part of myself due to the school aspect. He said, in a way, that I sometimes just have to surrender to the direction I'm going. While he didn't say that message exactly I think he was trying to, or at least that's what I heard from him.
He was right though, but I didn't realize the truth of his message until later. I want to talk about it though before I explain how it finally sank in. Too many times have I found myself doing something other than writing full time (which, by the way, is my dream reality. To do nothing but write.) To do this though it means I'd have to give up a few things. Like my art, web pages, the various Internet activities that I do. Maybe even more than that. It's a fine ambition, but hardly practical considering the age of my kids. If I keep trying to fight the reality of my life, the various roles that I'm playing as Mother, Wife, Woman, Writer, Artist, Web Designer, etc then all I'm going to do is tear myself up.
Let me tell you, it's not fun doing that. I kept trying to find balance, but it wasn't coming to me. Something always felt like it was more important and that I had to handle that now instead of later.
Then, about three weeks ago I received a Divine Intervention. Close to midnight I was hit with an urge to gather some supplies. It was the type of urge that ignoring it hurts and ultimately I had no choice in the matter. In a short space of time I did an impromptu Ritual that even now I can't remember all that I said or did. There is only one part that is still clear as a bell in my mind even three weeks later.
Now, before this I was starting to get irritated at how some Christian believers can be so pushy about their faith. It's like the idea of believing something else is an affront to a few people and they just keep going on and on without listening or even trying to understand an alternate point of view. There are Christians that are the exact opposite (one is a very good friend of mine and we are involved in a very long conversation about our extremely opposite views and I love it so don't think I'm knocking the religion, just those that are unwilling to be open minded okay) which is fantastic, I wish the whole host of believers were the same way and perhaps one day they will be. My irritation were with the handful that aren't however and it seemed that I was finding them everywhere. Go to my church, this faith is the absolute truth no matter what, etc.
For them, sure, not for me though. Anyway, my irritation was starting to be expressed by severe sarcasm and when I get severe it's so sharp you could cut yourself with it (the gift of being a writer I think). In addition my feelings were starting to ripple toward individuals who aren't like that, but that I know are Christian. This, by the way, is not a very Wiccan way to live, but I couldn't stop myself. It just kept slipping out of me and I was having a serious control issue.
Well, that night I received a very important message from the God and Goddess. They told me very firmly "Don't scorn the Christian heart." In that instant I felt all my irritation and negativity just float away. I literally got the sense knocked back into my skull. What I didn't realize was that they left a parting gift. I have found in my experience that each time I'm in communion with the God and Goddess I often learn more than just the primary message that I get from Them. I've talked to others who have had similar experiences, even with the Christian God as well I might as well add, who find the same circumstances.
Well, the gift they gave me was a deeper understanding of myself. The release of all that aggravation also freed me from this road block I had in regards to my life. Without even realizing it, the moment I closed the circle I actually stopped fighting my life. I was finding my balance. Decisions on going out and doing something for myself were suddenly much easier for me.
The next day I did a major house cleaning, got rid of a lot of old stuff that had to just go. I hung up some pictures (finally) in my downstairs area then lost my dog. LOL. I laugh now, I wasn't laughing then.
What is interesting though is that I think Chelsey escaping from the fence then go missing for two days straight was a test to see if I had really absorbed the message. Despite not being able to sleep or study for my midterms or do my major research paper and even trying to keep the kids from being too upset (btw, if you have young children and your pet goes missing, tell them the pet in question is on an adventure and will be back soon. It worked amazingly well for Raven) I didn't feel like the world was crashing around me. That even though I was really upset I just knew it was going to be okay, that I would find her.
We did find her and I was deliriously happy because my husband came home from his trip two hours later, at which point I then collapsed in bed and slept off the exhaustion I was feeling. And the next day I didn't feel drained like I usually do after a serious situation like that. I wasn't completely rejuvenated, but I also wasn't wondering what else would go wrong.
That was completely uplifting...once I realized it that is (remember, revelations take time to articulate even in our own heads).
There are two more incidents that really pushed the whole concept into my consciousness. The first one that happened did so last week on Thursday. I was talking with my personal trainer when I noticed that despite being only 24, he looked more stressed and tired that I was. I mean, heck he's 24, unmarried (with a steady girlfriend) and a great job. I thought he should be living life for all it was worth, but he wasn't. He was in the process of telling me that he still needed to do my diet and the diet for 30 other people when I got up and closed the door to his office. I told him quite frankly and upfront that he had to start taking care of himself. Take time for himself and I told him everything I've been trying to tell myself, that Ike has been telling me...hell, that everyone I knew was telling me. Take time for yourself, be true to your own needs because if you can't do that then you can't take care of other people.
After I left the gym though I got to thinking about what I told him, what message I was trying to convey to him and realized that I don't do that myself. How could I, a person that was having trouble merging my own life give someone advice on how to do it. That was when I realized that I have to stop making excuses to not do it. That I just had to get up, shake myself and, well, do it.
So I did. The whole next week, since I knew Ike was going to be leaving for another trip, I went out and did something for just me. I bought a new dress (yes, I finally am trying to buy dresses which is something I haven't done since I was 18 I think...I'm not a dress person), I bought a few other pieces for my wardrobe. I also got myself a haircut that I've been meaning to get done and, shock of all shocks, I did something new. Gasp at the horror! LOL. I laugh because before the kids were born I was always about doing something new and now I drag my feet.
However I just went into the Hair Saloon and said "Screw it" then got my eyebrows waxed. I had never done it before and I had been thinking about it, just never had the courage. Last weekend I garnered it and came out with a freshly waxed set of eyebrows. I'll admit, I'm not sure about the shape the lady put them in, but hell it was my first time, how was I to know?
It's like a whole new me started that night after the God and Goddess spoke to me. Not just a new me, but a new lease on life. All because I finally surrendered to the journey instead of striving for the destination.
That leads me to the last and most recent event that solidified the whole concept in my mind. I was talking to my college coach (think life skills coach geared only to my classroom situation though she and I always manage to talk about everything else as well). We were talking about how things have been since my intervention and in doing that phrase came to me. Which, incidentally, is also a Chinese Proverb, or at least a paraphrase of one.
So how does my story meet my life? Well, it's actually pretty simple.
Such short lives, filled with cares that could never compare to history. In some ways Sela wished that she could shake each and everyone one of them, tell them in lurid detail how lucky they were to live and die, to share with them the beauty that simple mortality gave them.
The main character is Sela and she's, you got it, an Immortal. Currently we're looking in on her during a week that she takes for herself every year to take a trip down memory lane. She does it for sanity purposes. Overall I think the story is good, I need to spruce it up a bit of course, but on the whole, it's a good story. I do have one complaint and that's only because I couldn't do what I really wanted to do which was go from Sela's trip down memory lane then on to the drama of dealing with another Immortal that she hates because he's in jail for murder. His sentence is life, which as I'm sure you can imagine, would be a problem.
I had this whole time line planned out, meet Sela during her birth week (thanks to a friend of mine I found out that during the time period I had chosen for Sela, the idea of a date to celebrate ones birth hadn't taken hold at the time. Because of this fact Sela choose a date that is close to when she thinks she was born, the first few hundred years is a little hazy for her though so she doesn't know for sure, you understand.) Then go on to the prison to talk to the guy she hates, the only guy she hates. Lots of snippy comments back and forth, a little flash black and tiny breakout attempt (or was it an attempt?) then the story is over.
The problem is that putting that much detail into 4,000 words is impossible. I know, I tried it. Sigh, so maybe someday I'll be able to flesh out the rest. Hell, maybe I'll do it just for the hell of it. If I don't win the contest perhaps I can do that for another contest that allows more than 4,000 words. 25,000 is a good number, I'll look for that instead then I'll be in business.
Anyway, that's not the point I actually wanted to talk about. The point I do want to discuss is how cool, if not a bit ironic, a particular part happens to directly relate to a personal epiphany that I had. Here, I'll quote from the story then go on to explain how I mean.
It was during this time that Sela could feel a role reversal with them. These mortals would take this time to throw off their cares and worries, experience the moment for what it was. To live in just this space without having their problems drag them down. For this one week Sela relied on that fact, needing it like a drug addict needed their fix. It kept her from going down a path of insensibility, kept her sane as she allowed memories of events, friends and families long past to rise up for their say.
That kind of sums up the theme of the story in regards to Immortals, at least in my opinion. I've asked a slew of people whether they would want to be immortal and everyone said yes as long as their was a provision allowing their loved ones (spouse, children, maybe parents) could be immortal together. This says something to me as a whole, that we all wish we could stop worrying about the future (think about it, the phrase I'll get to it eventually takes on a whole new meaning when you can live forever) and that they value the people around them in such a way that they think they can stand being around them for all eternity.
This, however, is not my epiphany though I can't exactly call it an epiphany. Usually those are almost instantaneous, kind of a big huge wham, bam, oh my if I had only figured that out ten years ago! So technically it's just a revelation that I believe started with Sela. My realization is that it's okay to surrender to the pull of life around me.
All right, I can imagine some of you saying "Well duh, we all know that." But do we really? How many of us really put that thought into this moment? I mean, right now I am sitting in front of a computer, trying to focus with contacts that I'm about ready to take out just so I can read this easier, but does it mean anything? Usually I'm wondering, during the pauses of my thought process that is, what do I have to do next. What is on my agenda, what is on my plan for the day. I have since realized however that doing that kind of worrying is extremely stressful. We can all make lists until our hands are crippled in a serious cramp, but what does that get us?
That's an answer for each individual to give, but for myself the answer is nothing. I always felt that I had to be doing something that pushes me forward. That propels me to the next step whether it's cooking dinner or taking the kids out somewhere. Until recently I felt I was nailed down into so many different roles and realities that I felt as if I was being pulled apart by the strain.
While writing Sela's thoughts about living in the moment, it didn't occur to me that I was about to start a very short road from a pressure filled world to a decrease of stress by at least 35% (I'd say more, but that's today, we'll see how it goes tomorrow). In other words folks, I don't feel as tired as I usually do despite having trouble sleeping (really weird and freaky dreams, I'll tell you all about it later once I figure out what flying in lingerie is trying to tell me...p.s. if you know, feel free to tell me).
Okay, give me a sec, I have to take out these contacts, blurred vision is so not fun.....
Ahhh, now I can read the screen....so where was I? Ah yes my revelation.
The first step of this revelation came from Sela I think, a subconscious light flickering on. It just took me about a month and a half for it to go from the subconscious to the conscious forefront. The second came from Ike, my hubby. We were talking about school and the problem I was having about being a writer while going for my web design degree. Basically I felt I was betraying a part of myself due to the school aspect. He said, in a way, that I sometimes just have to surrender to the direction I'm going. While he didn't say that message exactly I think he was trying to, or at least that's what I heard from him.
He was right though, but I didn't realize the truth of his message until later. I want to talk about it though before I explain how it finally sank in. Too many times have I found myself doing something other than writing full time (which, by the way, is my dream reality. To do nothing but write.) To do this though it means I'd have to give up a few things. Like my art, web pages, the various Internet activities that I do. Maybe even more than that. It's a fine ambition, but hardly practical considering the age of my kids. If I keep trying to fight the reality of my life, the various roles that I'm playing as Mother, Wife, Woman, Writer, Artist, Web Designer, etc then all I'm going to do is tear myself up.
Let me tell you, it's not fun doing that. I kept trying to find balance, but it wasn't coming to me. Something always felt like it was more important and that I had to handle that now instead of later.
Then, about three weeks ago I received a Divine Intervention. Close to midnight I was hit with an urge to gather some supplies. It was the type of urge that ignoring it hurts and ultimately I had no choice in the matter. In a short space of time I did an impromptu Ritual that even now I can't remember all that I said or did. There is only one part that is still clear as a bell in my mind even three weeks later.
Now, before this I was starting to get irritated at how some Christian believers can be so pushy about their faith. It's like the idea of believing something else is an affront to a few people and they just keep going on and on without listening or even trying to understand an alternate point of view. There are Christians that are the exact opposite (one is a very good friend of mine and we are involved in a very long conversation about our extremely opposite views and I love it so don't think I'm knocking the religion, just those that are unwilling to be open minded okay) which is fantastic, I wish the whole host of believers were the same way and perhaps one day they will be. My irritation were with the handful that aren't however and it seemed that I was finding them everywhere. Go to my church, this faith is the absolute truth no matter what, etc.
For them, sure, not for me though. Anyway, my irritation was starting to be expressed by severe sarcasm and when I get severe it's so sharp you could cut yourself with it (the gift of being a writer I think). In addition my feelings were starting to ripple toward individuals who aren't like that, but that I know are Christian. This, by the way, is not a very Wiccan way to live, but I couldn't stop myself. It just kept slipping out of me and I was having a serious control issue.
Well, that night I received a very important message from the God and Goddess. They told me very firmly "Don't scorn the Christian heart." In that instant I felt all my irritation and negativity just float away. I literally got the sense knocked back into my skull. What I didn't realize was that they left a parting gift. I have found in my experience that each time I'm in communion with the God and Goddess I often learn more than just the primary message that I get from Them. I've talked to others who have had similar experiences, even with the Christian God as well I might as well add, who find the same circumstances.
Well, the gift they gave me was a deeper understanding of myself. The release of all that aggravation also freed me from this road block I had in regards to my life. Without even realizing it, the moment I closed the circle I actually stopped fighting my life. I was finding my balance. Decisions on going out and doing something for myself were suddenly much easier for me.
The next day I did a major house cleaning, got rid of a lot of old stuff that had to just go. I hung up some pictures (finally) in my downstairs area then lost my dog. LOL. I laugh now, I wasn't laughing then.
What is interesting though is that I think Chelsey escaping from the fence then go missing for two days straight was a test to see if I had really absorbed the message. Despite not being able to sleep or study for my midterms or do my major research paper and even trying to keep the kids from being too upset (btw, if you have young children and your pet goes missing, tell them the pet in question is on an adventure and will be back soon. It worked amazingly well for Raven) I didn't feel like the world was crashing around me. That even though I was really upset I just knew it was going to be okay, that I would find her.
We did find her and I was deliriously happy because my husband came home from his trip two hours later, at which point I then collapsed in bed and slept off the exhaustion I was feeling. And the next day I didn't feel drained like I usually do after a serious situation like that. I wasn't completely rejuvenated, but I also wasn't wondering what else would go wrong.
That was completely uplifting...once I realized it that is (remember, revelations take time to articulate even in our own heads).
There are two more incidents that really pushed the whole concept into my consciousness. The first one that happened did so last week on Thursday. I was talking with my personal trainer when I noticed that despite being only 24, he looked more stressed and tired that I was. I mean, heck he's 24, unmarried (with a steady girlfriend) and a great job. I thought he should be living life for all it was worth, but he wasn't. He was in the process of telling me that he still needed to do my diet and the diet for 30 other people when I got up and closed the door to his office. I told him quite frankly and upfront that he had to start taking care of himself. Take time for himself and I told him everything I've been trying to tell myself, that Ike has been telling me...hell, that everyone I knew was telling me. Take time for yourself, be true to your own needs because if you can't do that then you can't take care of other people.
After I left the gym though I got to thinking about what I told him, what message I was trying to convey to him and realized that I don't do that myself. How could I, a person that was having trouble merging my own life give someone advice on how to do it. That was when I realized that I have to stop making excuses to not do it. That I just had to get up, shake myself and, well, do it.
So I did. The whole next week, since I knew Ike was going to be leaving for another trip, I went out and did something for just me. I bought a new dress (yes, I finally am trying to buy dresses which is something I haven't done since I was 18 I think...I'm not a dress person), I bought a few other pieces for my wardrobe. I also got myself a haircut that I've been meaning to get done and, shock of all shocks, I did something new. Gasp at the horror! LOL. I laugh because before the kids were born I was always about doing something new and now I drag my feet.
However I just went into the Hair Saloon and said "Screw it" then got my eyebrows waxed. I had never done it before and I had been thinking about it, just never had the courage. Last weekend I garnered it and came out with a freshly waxed set of eyebrows. I'll admit, I'm not sure about the shape the lady put them in, but hell it was my first time, how was I to know?
It's like a whole new me started that night after the God and Goddess spoke to me. Not just a new me, but a new lease on life. All because I finally surrendered to the journey instead of striving for the destination.
That leads me to the last and most recent event that solidified the whole concept in my mind. I was talking to my college coach (think life skills coach geared only to my classroom situation though she and I always manage to talk about everything else as well). We were talking about how things have been since my intervention and in doing that phrase came to me. Which, incidentally, is also a Chinese Proverb, or at least a paraphrase of one.
So how does my story meet my life? Well, it's actually pretty simple.
Such short lives, filled with cares that could never compare to history. In some ways Sela wished that she could shake each and everyone one of them, tell them in lurid detail how lucky they were to live and die, to share with them the beauty that simple mortality gave them.
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