Ranting!

Okay, this should be short....I hope.  I just have to get it out of my skull before I collapse in my bed.

Memory Lane!  Curse you.  Once again, my book is haunting me.  I kid you not, I'm in the car today and all I was thinking about was Memory Lane.  I had to get my house ready for a guest who never showed and I was cursing about the fact that I couldn't write in Memory Lane.  I was driving to an appointment and I was irritated because I'd rather be writing and I won't even get into how the kids kept me from doing it.  Then, just to make it worse, my goal of cutting out enough words to have it at the 89,000 words mark failed unless I can find some relief in the first four chapters which I just now remembered weren't subjected to my carving knife.

ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

Will this torture never end??????

I think what makes it all the more difficult is that I really like my book.  It brought me to tears yesterday in fact.  I kid you not, I was reading a powerfully emotional chapter and wanted to bawl like a baby.  I didn't, can't imagine explaining that to my kids.  No, no, don't want that.  Of course, it's a good sign that I wanted to cry, but also a bad sign because I can't be sure if I'm crying because it's emotionally provoking or because I wrote the damn thing. 

One last thing about Memory Lane.  The biggest crux of all in my opinion.  This book has a lot of swearing.  When I say a lot, I mean it.  I think there is at least one cuss word in every scene.  So what happens when I get into the mind of Alex?  I start to cuss about EVERYTHING.  This is, of course bad, especially considering that the kids are with me all the freaking time.  So I have to bite my tongue throughout the day.  It's a shock that I don't have permanent grooves in my tongue from the effort.

Anyway, that's where I'm at now.  I'm going to carve up the Epilogue then attack Chapters 1 - 5 to inch me closer to my goal word count.  Which of course will cause me to have to do the most painful of all things, cut out complete scenes.  Just writing it makes me want to bang my head against the keyboard fruitlessly.

And through it all, the only thing I keep thinking is that, I asked for it.  I want to do it despite the emotional, mental and physical stress it is putting me through.  (On the positive side, I've yet to have a flare up from my wrist....now hopefully I don't jinx myself).

So that's my rant for the night.  Damn Memory Lane!

I nailed it....I hope

Tonight I think I finally nailed my query letter.  I'm actually, gasp, happy with it.  I just hope it works out.  Now all I need to do is finish editing the fourth draft, cut out close to 25,000 words *sob*, get it proofread then actually send the blasted thing off to get rejected a dozen so times before I can celebrate the victory of an agent which will then lead to the victor of publishing and starting all over again.  YAY!

Sweet Mother, it seems like a long, long, long, long road until I get there.  Writing.  I remember back when I was 14 and I was swept up into the enthusiasm Mrs. Farrell brought about with her encouragement.  I was going to be the next Tolkien.  I knew I would be.  Now look at me, I'm 30 (no sympathy please because I honestly don't mind it at all) and I'm stilling whining about how much further I have to go.

Well, at least I finished the book...mostly.  On Fan Story I've been getting good reviews with great pointers and help from the peanut gallery (and I do mean it in the nicest of ways, honest).  And these are complete strangers who have no affiliation with me personally other than a love for the written word so that's something.  It can't be all bad.  And people tell me that they are writing my name down when I give them a brief synopsis of the book so that when it does get published they'll buy it.  We'll see how many actually do so when it does happen.

I have decided to start thinking of it as when instead of if.  I made that decision because I figured my semi-pessimistic attitude was getting in my way.  That conclusion came about from AJJE Games surprisingly enough.  How did it happen?  Easy.  I had to give a speech (actually it was a long post) and in it I talked about a gentleman who taught me that idealism can push projects through.  That got me thinking about that particular lesson. 

I'm the first to admit, I don't prescribe to idealism.  Too many things in my life have shown me that being idealistic just disappoints you.  I could give examples, but I'm feeling pretty darn good about my progress that I don't want to go down that avenue.  Maybe later..naw, on second thought never mind.

Anyway, as I get older I am coming to the terms to the reality of how I look at life.  I'm cynical, but not overly much.  I'm not one to trust people either.  I actually, to be perfectly honest, I expect people to disappoint me all the time.  Why?  Because it consistently happens.  I've yet to find the exception.  If I do I'll probably put it here.  But I started thinking that maybe, just maybe, I have to let go of that attitude.  Oh, I don't mean actually trusting everyone that I come across.  That's too ingrained to just fade away on a gust of wind.  No, sadly, I'm stuck in that principle belief pattern.  However, I need to give myself and fate a try.  I think, just once, I want something to be the ideal instead of the disappointment or reality...which is often both anyway.

So, today...or more aptly, this night, I make a vow.  I will think positively.  I will shoot not just for the moon but for my favorite planet (okay, they don't call it a planet any more but I'm going to keep doing it because it's special to me personally so pppppbbtttttttttt) Pluto.  I want the cosmos and frankly my dear, I don't give a damn about anyone who says that I don't deserve it.

And that is how I nailed it in regard to my letter.  I said that to myself and then I just wrote it up.  I've been saying it all week with my writing and managed to crank through about 8 chapters so far.  Tomorrow I'm aiming for 9.  That, incidentally, is the other secret of my success.  Every day I have to complete a task.  Read over at least 5000 words and do my thing.  If I don't get it done in the morning, I work on it through the day.  Period, no if, and, or buts.

Fear

You know, I'm one of those people who refuses to admit, out loud anyway, an honest fear.  I find if I don't say it, I'm not.  Like roller coasters for instance.  I hate them, but not because I'm afraid of them.  I hate them because I'm not in control of them.  Does that make me a control freak?  Sometimes, yes, I am.  I'm a control freak in the car (I hate not driving).  I'm a control freak when it comes to projects I'm personally involved in.  When I was working, I didn't want to let go of the Hazardous Waste program because it was mine.  I built it and I made it work so it was mine.....I could go on but I think you get the point.

So, admitting that I'm afraid of something is huge.  Not just huge, but gargantuan.  But again, I have found that sometimes true honesty means saying "I'm afraid."  So, now, in a blog no one reads, I will say it...I'm afraid.

What do I fear?  I'm afraid that the dream that I've aspired for since I was 14 will never come true.  I'm terrified that I won't get published, that my writing isn't good enough to be published.  That one day I'll have to give it up.  It leaves me quaking, this fear.  In thinking about it, I realize that my fear is what has caused me not to get off my ass and actually do what has to be done to make it possible.  I have to send query letters out, to see if I have any takers.  Until I do, I'll never know the answer.

It's hard for me to admit that, to accept this truth about myself.  The thing is, I don't know why I can't pull myself out of it.  To just grab myself by the nose hairs and get it done.  It's not like me to feel this doubt in regard to anything that I've had to use my mind to pursue.  I don't want to sound egotistical or anything like that, but truthfully using my mind to accomplish tasks is not that difficult for me. 

I breeze through school with little to no effort (which is funny because I didn't do that well in High School).  Mastering art and design has been simple, teaching myself to code equally so.  What I succeed at mentally is directly countered in what I fail at in the physical department.  Exercise and sports are really not my forte.  Proof of this comes from how many injuries I've sustained over the years of attempting it when I was a kid.  So in that I am balanced.  I have also accepted that when I make up my mind to accomplish something, it's not that difficult either.  A great example is to stop drinking sodas.  I decided to stop and did it.  Except for the first day, I don't have any cravings for it so that is good.

Yet, despite that, I'm afraid of putting myself out there.  A part of me knows the reason, it's because I don't want to be rejected.  That is probably the biggest struggle I've had all my life.  The idea of it makes me nauseous, which is probably the source of this fear.

The question is, how do I push past it?  If I ever figure it out, I'll write it here....

What inspires

When I was a kid, one of the first cartoons I adored was not Strawberry Shortcake or the Care Bears.  Nor was I influenced by Tom and Jerry, Bugs Bunny or Daffy Duck.  No, my favorite of all favorite movies was The Last Unicorn.  I don't remember being fascinated with Unicorns at the time.  I also don't remember when I first saw it.  But I do remember how much I loved it and when I saw it out on DVD for my kids a few years ago I picked it up without hesitation.  I knew that I had to share it with them.  Yet, despite the years and the amount of times I have watched this beloved classic of mine, not once did I fully comprehend how much I was inspired and influenced by it.

Until tonight.

As a treat, I told the kids that I would watch one of their movies with them.  I do this frequently when I've finished all my work and they've behaved for the day.  Today they went beyond good behavior because when I sat down to do some writing, they didn't stay downstairs and disturb me with their play or with their questions.  Instead, without any prompting for me, decided to play upstairs.  I was so proud and thankful for their thoughtfulness, I decided to watch a movie with them.  My daughter chose The Last Unicorn as she is at the age of adoring those wonderful and magical animals.

And I watched every second, mesmerized by the beauty of it and the story, the magic that shows us not only that we can fight against what frightens us, but that change proves to help us.  Still, I didn't fully clue in on the impact that this story had on me until it came to the scene where the Wizard Schmendrick changed the Unicorn into a human woman.  There she stood, pale as snow, with hair as white as the clouds looking frail, beautiful, and lost.  It wasn't this that had transfixed me.  No, what had was the pink star on her forehead that symbolized the place where her horn once stood.  In that second, when she lifted her bangs to show that star, I realized how much of an impact this movie had on me.

What do I mean?  My masterpiece, the Golden Crown, has in it a race of women who are strong, magical, and beautiful.  They are powerful and important to the world I created.  How can you tell when a woman is a Dancer?  By the star on their forehead that looks (in my minds eye) much like the Lady Amalthea's star did on hers.  I saw in that moment tonight not the Lady Amalthea, but instead the youngest Dancer in the frailty and the other two Dancers in appearance.  A mix of my magical race who came to be to help save the world though they do not realize it.

When I saw that I was shell shocked.  I never once thought that The Last Unicorn had made such an impact or had inspired one of the most beloved characters I have ever created.  This shows me that all that I hear, see, think and experience eventually comes out in my writing.  The world, in all its glory and divinity, is my muse and I hope I never, ever lose that.  I hope that it will continue to inspire me as The Last Unicorn has for the rest of my life.  I was so moved that I had to share it.

Where's Waldo? Fan Story Style!

All right, I'm pretty sure I mentioned it in my blog, but in case I didn't...here's what Fan Story is.  It's a site where writers like myself can post their stories, scripts, poems...name it they can probably post it.  Yes, even some rant and rave on it.  Usually it's amusing...sometimes it's not.  There are some really, really talented writers on this site and to be honest, it sometimes intimidates me.  Yet, even though it does on occasion they have helped me find the error of my writing ways.

Now, before joining Fan Story I knew that I had grammar issues.  What I mean is that grammar is my weakest point.  Why?  Well that's a funny story actually.  It's the price of being a military brat to a degree.  What usually happened is that I kept missing the initial instruction on grammar each time I moved.  When I was in 5th grade in Florida, they taught the primary rules in 6th.  When I moved to Colorado for 6th grade, they taught it in 5th grade.  The story of my young life when it comes to grammar.  So the primary rules were never actually drilled into my head like it did with others.  That plus all the international traveling I've done is it really a wonder that I have issues?  No, I thought not.

Yet, despite that I thought I had them pretty down pat....until Fan Story.  Now, don't get me wrong, I'm grateful they were able to show me just how much I need help.  But to be honest, I think I prefer ignorant bliss.....but that's a different post I believe.

Anyway, what all these very helpful people do is they go through and find every....single....error and will fill up the review box with each and every one.  Most are sweet, polite, and over all helpful.  Sometimes you come across one person who gives a harsh review because you gave them your honest opinion....but again that's for another post.

While helpful in pointing out how badly my grammar sucks, it doesn't do a good job at teaching me to find my own mistakes so I started a new thing just within the last week or two.  I call it "Where's Waldo Fan Story Style"  I'm basically asking those who are reviewing my work to simply point out where there is a mistake then let me find it.  This way they can still point out to their hearts content how bad my grammar is on a regular day and I'm still learning.  Everyone wins!  Now, hopefully it'll catch on for others as well.

Interested in reading my work?  That's easy to accomplish, simply go here.

That's been done before

You know, one of the things that has always bugged me about writing has been in relation to the actual ideas that we get.  Here, let me give you a prime example.  I had this great idea of a story.  It's about how each story that is written is actually a real universe (anyone that knows me knows my love of multiple universes so this is a play on it) and that there are groups of people, aka writers, who are able to glimpse into these worlds, watch a sequence in time then take it from there.  Think Myst meets Sliders and you get the idea...for the most part.

So here I was revved up, excited about this fantastic idea and I tell this person whose opinion I respect the most and guess what he says, some other guy has done something similar.  It wasn't until recently that I realized just how much that annoys the hell out of me because if you think about it, someone somewhere has already written a story with a similar idea.  The thing is, it's never exact and I got to thinking.  A writer isn't necessarily someone who comes up with completely original ideas...no, a writer is someone who takes an idea already done by someone else and goes at it from a different perspective.  That's what makes it unique.

Want an example?  Well, even if you don't I'm going to give it anyway because that is just who I am.

Vampires!  Ha, the age old story device that everyone just seem to love.  Don't believe it?  I give you the newest series Twilight.  Ever since Dracula (the original for those who start thinking up some hunky guy who portrays the man go watch it in the original black and white, now that was something else.  Better yet, go pick up the original book by Bram Stoker to really get a treat.  Trust me, worth every word) people have been writing about Vampires.  You have the Dracula 2000 series (an eye for an eye brother...I so love Epps in that film btw), you have Buffy and Angel (Angel, anytime you want to drink my blood give me a ring would ya?), you have Twilight, you have my favorite author Laurell Hamilton who makes them citizens and go all nuts with that angle (love it btw), you have Lestat and Lewis, and you have Brian Lumley's take of Vampires are really parasites.  You want an original Vamp story, read the Necroscope Series!

My point is that Vampires have been done to death..no pun.....actually slight pun intended and yet we still gobble them up chew them up and wish they were real so that we can become one...once we become good looking and hot again that is.  Wouldn't do to be a fat Vampire with wrinkles would it? 

So it's been done before, so what?  That's what I"m going to say when told that, yeah, and so have Vampires.  Don't see anyone complaining about that do you????

I think I can, I think I can

So here I am, with my book Memory Lane, pretty much edited.  Okay, so it needs a bit more editing, a bit more scrutiny and finding those stinking commas to put them in the right place is necessary, but for the most part.  The darn thing is done.  At least it better be done because in a way I'm sick and tired of Memory Lane.  I'm tired of thinking about it, I'm tired of worrying about it, most of all I'm tired of knowing that it is there on my computer not doing anything.  The thing is that I have to finally get off my ass and send in the letters to the Agents so that I can get representation so that the damn thing can get published.

Get it published, get promoted, do as I'm told and walla, I'm a published author.

Sounds easy?  Hardly, more like it's a struggle to fight between relief that it's all done, apprehension of what the agents will say and down right fear that I've been deluding myself for all these years on my writing skill.  Oh, sure people tell me I'm good, but they aren't what I call professional editors (no offense gang, but lets be honest, you're just a reader, they are the ones who get paid the big bucks out of my paycheck when I get published).

I think about all these things and realize, "Dear Lady, I simply don't want to go through the hassle and the rejection" then, just when I resign myself that I have to do something I find out a friend of mine who just started a book already has a freaking editor.  How sick is that?????  Okay, not sick for him obviously, but when I think that this guy was able to attain a closer step to my dream.  I think, to be exact, that I'm green with envy.  Not a pretty green either, but a sickly green.

After I heard that I'm filled once again with this desire to push ahead while being hit with this fear that I can't do it, that I'll fail....that I'll never get published.  Then it will be a smack in the face that says "Ha ha, see, I knew I couldn't why try?"

But then this other voice whispers to me, "You just won't know and if you think it won't happen then it won't."  It's like the whole the little engine who could.  I think I can, I think I can.....but what if I can't....sigh

Stinking Commas

There are so many aspects in regard to writing that it's sometimes very difficult to make sure that you cross every t, dot every i and place every stinking comma in the right place. I am starting to hate those stinking commas.

Here's the situation, I have this site that I've recently joined...okay, not so recently, I joined it in January. It's called FanStory.com and this is a site for writers to post their work and get review from other writers. It does help in pointing out what the problem areas are in your own writer, but let's be honest shall we? It's mostly an ego booster for writers. You know, a consistent flow of wonderful sounding praise of how wonderful and a great story it is. Some is completely BS of course, but there are the times when someone actually offers up good and practical advice and/or reviews.

In the process of those helpful reviews I have found the one chink in my writing skills. Those stinking comma placements! I usually don't use enough of them apparently, or I use them in the wrong place. And it's surprising that this is my problem. I mean, I've known that grammar isn't my strong suit. Why? Well that's easy, being a military brat has made getting a steady influence of proper grammar at a consistent level. This is of course annoying.

Making it worse is that apparently, surprising, creative writing utilizes a different grammar set of rules than normal writing for e-mails, essays and other forms of written communication. What we learned in school was more than likely are APA or MFA. Oh no, Creative Writing and novels in general are checked with the Chicago Style Guide which is a set of very complicated, very annoying rules that incorporate a hell of a lot more rules.

Why the hell do novels have to hold to a stricter code of grammar????

Sigh, I know the reality is that I can' change it. All I can do is make sure that I learn it. In the meantime I think I'll continue to moan, groan and growl at those stinking commas and hope that the rules will eventually sink into my brain.

Inspiration comes from the oddest of places

Today me and the kids had gone out shopping and somehow, I'm not sure what spurred it, but my 6 year old and I started talking about a city in the clouds. I think it began because we were talking about cars that fly or something like that. As it is with all six year old girls, the discussion about what would be in the city was grass, Unicorns, schools (yay) and so forth.

Then Raven asked me, "Would that city last forever Mommy?"

My answer, unbidden and totally unthinkingly I answered, "Until the power goes out."

I honestly don't know why that popped in my head, but this gives an idea of how my mind works. I had this perfect vision of my head of the City of Clouds in Star Wars falling to the planet all because the power went on the fritz. Imagine for a moment...blink, blink, darkness then screams as gravity takes hold and the whistling of the air as it streaks down to the planet. The whistle in the ears and the pressure of gravity pushing the human body against the floors which prevents anyone from moving beyond reaching out to the hand of the person next to you....

And I got all of this from talking to my 6 year old!

I'm not unused to the idea of my daughter, but usually she inspires my art. Very rarely does she ever inspire my writing though. Not that I mind, okay, I mind a little bit only because what came from the inspiration was one of violence, terror and what could be a horrible event if it goes to the eventual conclusion that could happen.

Oh well, it happens from time to time and since I have this mind that tends to twist even the most innocent of items to the most peculiar images. Remember, it always starts with just an idea then moves into something totally unique.

Development of an Idea - Science Fiction

All right, I'm a huge, HUGE fan of science fiction. A love and passion that began with my Father who is an even bigger fan of science fiction than I am....but only because he's been alive longer than I.

One thing I've always wanted to do was write a science fiction story. I want to do this because, a) I love science fiction and b) because it seems like it'd be fun to do. Add c)I have a lot of great ideas for useful technology to the mix and it seems as if it shouldn't fail. Sadly it does because I get caught up in the tiny details. How does xyz item work, why does it work? I want to know, readers probably don't care overly much on the science involved. Oh, sure, they want to know generally that it will work the way it should work. That is makes sense, that it is logical. But whether or not we are taking liberties with the laws of physics, they pretty much give carche blanch. However, I'm one of those people that wants to make it as realistic as possible.

Good for me, bad for story.

It's good for me because I get to learn stuff. Bad for story because I never get to the actual writing of the story.

So what is the solution? Easy! Get someone to help me who can put their foot down and say "It's good enough, let's get on with the writing." Yay! I found someone and she's more than eager to help. Which gives me a new project, something to take my mind off things at home. Yippee, what fun.

The question is, how to really get started. What is the first step. That's, actually, the easy part. You have to decide what you want/need to know/create. For example, Humans in the Galaxy. Makes sense that we'd be around, unless we die out as a race. I hope not, but you never know. Anyway, my friend and I know that we need to have the Human race involved because two of our main characters are half Human.

But the thing is, to make this list we need to decide on the kind of story do we want. So I guess, it's better to say that is our first step. What type of Science Fiction do you want? My friend and I have opted for a science fiction story that is more Firefly and Babylon 5 with a smidge of Star Wars and less Star Trek and Stargate. Should be fun!

I'll keep you up to date on the progress of the development.

The Role of the Nagger

When someone nags you, the usual response is to say simply, "Knock it off!" As a group, people don't like to be nagged. We'll get to whatever it is when we're bloody well ready. But sometimes we need to be nagged. Some people don't get anything done unless they are nagged, some projects require that kind of hovering as well. Well, a writer is one of those people that needs a nagger. I'm sure there are some out there that don't need one, I wouldn't doubt it. I'm also equally as sure that there are people who simply say that so-in-so merely supported them instead of nagged. While it's true, the support part, the reality is that once again us writers are conducting subconscious warfare on ourselves. We allow the supporting cast to nag us though we won't say it that way unless we're completely open about it.

The role of the nagger, whether they are a spouse, friend or simple writing buddy, is quite simple. Their job is to ask for a chapter or section of the story. They read it, they like it or even if they don't like it they pretend they do or tell us why they don't then they constantly, over a period of months ask the fateful question "Where's the next part?"

It starts slow, gradual, months pass the first time before they get impatient and demand, "I need the next part, what happened next?" Or "Did you make any changes to what I've read? Can I see it?" Then you oblige, grudgingly but also nervously because you honestly want to know what they think...or so you tell yourself. You mutter to them how inconvienent it is, that you'll get it to them when you bloody well finish and that they should show some patience! Yet, still you send it. It mollifies them for another few months, subtract just one week from their patience then they are back again asking, "What happened next? Where's the next chapter?"

Again, because you actually finished it two weeks prior, you give it to them while muttering to just yourself this time that impatience never gets anyone far in life. By now they probably have three or four chapters worth of your story and the nagger begins to get a bit more irritating. While they are still polite about it, they ask once again can they have the next chapter, have you finished it yet? If not, then when you finish it can they have it.

Just to satisfy this person because in truth you don't want to tell them to shove it where the sun doesn't shine, you write more faster...and faster...and faster until not a week passes between sending of individual parts before this special person(s) ask "Where's the next part! Write faster damn it!"

You're annoyed, you're gritting your teeth as you shove the next and final piece in their hand and say "THERE! Now you have all of it, now SHUT UP!"

You huff, you puff then realize in a blink of an eye that you actually finished a 200+ page novel in just under 18 months because this well meaning person(s) badgered you until you had finished the damn thing. The nagger, for their part, glorify in the fact that they got to read it first of all the people in the world. That while it's not perfect (first drafts never are) it's still a story that captivated them. These people rarely realize that they played an even bigger part to writing the book unless told by the writer themselves "I never would have finished this story if it hadn't been for you badgering me."

Do we tell them? Of course not because to do so might risk them not doing it again and we all need, nay, want someone to badger us until we're huffing and puffing to keep up with the ever present demand that this individual(s) placed upon us.

Does this psychology work on other aspects of life beyond the writer? I would assume so, not just creatively but would I get my house clean and keep it somewhat reasonable if it wasn't for the children always wanting to play on the floor or the need for counter space? Probably not, why? Because I'm lazy. I'd rather stretch the creative instead of the physical muscles during the day. It's natural, it's expected and yet I'm nagged into doing it. I'm nagged into going to the gym.

The role of nagger is never pleasant, no one wants to think of themselves being that pushy. Well, I say to all the naggers out there in the world, do not be ashamed of your talent. You spur people on, push them forward when they need it and sometimes when they don't want it. To those of us that are privy to their talents, don't scorn, shout or ignore the attempts, look it at in a different light. That they are needed, as much as the writer, the editor, the publisher and even the advertiser. Nag my friends, nag and be done with it.

In this post I would like to pay special omage to a very good friend of mine that is my personal nagger. If it hadn't been for her I probably wouldn't have had Memory Lane finished in less than two years.

So to Samantha, I tip my hat off to you. Thank you and please continue to bug the hell out of me.

Writing Space

I'm reading this interesting book talking about our Writing Space and it got me thinking about just that, my writing space. I look over my physical space and realize, yikes, talk about counter-productive. Let me see if I can describe it for you.

I have a desk that's shaped like an L. The shorter part of the desk holds the brunt of my stuff. To the the right sits a little cubby that holds five binders. One of the binders has my playing cards (Star Trek....yes, I'm a nerd and proud of it), one holds the printed copy of the Golden Crown, another holds half of the printed copy of Memory Lane and the other half is upstairs currently asking me to take it downstairs, but more on that later. Next I have a binder with my household chore list and a few other household business information in it and as to why I need this binder, well, that's complicated. The last binder holds Star Trek scripts that a friend...acquaintence....had sent to me eleven years ago. I haven't heard from him since and I should shred it and dispose of it, but it just seems to go against my genetic code.

Below this cubby is my Bamboo Fun pad which helps me in regards to my various hand problems that I have. If I was to use a mouse instead I'd last about twenty to forty minutes, with the pen tablet I last for several hours. In the area beside the cubby is my computer stuff and a container for my pens. I have a lot of pens, I guess you can say I collect them. So the pen container is on the right side of the monitor while on the left are two notebook/book holders. One has three notebooks and two magazines plus some other odds and ends while the other holds my school book.

Next comes the little space with a door that I throw technical wires, envelops plus a few odd and ends. I'll go weeks or months not looking in there if I'm not careful. Under the cupboard are a stack of books ranging from organizing, web design, Wicca books and a few health books, stacked neatly out of the way then we hit the turning point.

From there is a small notebook holder, meaning the notebooks it holds is small. I have my character development notebook in there...which I haven't worked in for a while, plus a few other books that have nothing to do with writing. In fact one has information about great places to visit in San Antonio. It comes with a drawer that again has a few odds and ends that I haven't looked at in months. Next is my set of dictionary, thesaurus and a Style Guide. I've used the dictionary occasionally, the other two not yet. One of my favorite writers said once that if you have to pull out the thesaurus you're using the wrong word. I guess you can say I take that to heart.

Beside that, and I really mean a few inches on down the desk in reality, is all the paperwork that I have to sort through. This includes paid bills, printed up story information, unpaid bills (though I really hope not) and who knows what else is in there because I haven't sorted through it. Next to that is another pile of stuff that I have to sort from notebooks to magazines and to who knows what else. Between the edge against the wall and myself is a stack of CD's/DVD's plus a few notebooks of information for my web design.

This desk of mine sits in a corner of a large room. Moving out in the room on the left wall are three bookcases while on the right is the printer and my husbands desk. Behind me is the playing area of my kids..........

Hmm, I wonder why I can't focus on my writing?

And I didn't even mention the top shelf which really only holds the decorative things on my desk. Apparently putting it on the bottom part causes them to either be lost or broken...perhaps both. Then of course there is the area under my desk that has stuff from the CPU of my computer, several software booklets and two small portable filing boxes that has magazines or notebooks.

Space is more than the physical area certainly, the book mentions that and I already knew it (though I believe it's going to go into more detail about it later on). I have to be in the right mind frame for it. If I'm not it's a waste of time. However the key is trying to create the mind frame because I should be writing every day. I'm not, I never have and I suppose if I had then it wouldn't take me quite as long to actually finish a book.

It's just that, and excuse the sudden need for justification, I have a lot of activities on my plate that require some kind of creative energy. All these projects are of my choice of course, I also want to make that clear. I don't feel pressured to do them...okay, most of the time I don't... so I guess it could be say that while I don't necessarily write every day, I am creative every day. That's almost the same thing right? RIGHT?

........Okay, even I have to admit that I'm sounding a bit petulant and that's probably because I'm feeling like I'm focusing my magnifying glass a bit too close to the skin.

Well, one thing that a magnifying glass shows someone is if they need a change. Once you see the reality, the truth of perception, it becomes a matter of deciding to do something about it or just shrug it off.

Writing space is important, not just for the practical reasons, but also for the mental. If you have things that distract you, that pull you from what you need to focus on then you'll only ever be able to type words and not work on a story. Our space is more than just the physical though, it's the mental. It's doing that mental sabotage of yourself just to get things going. It's just like when I had talked about editing where you need to lie to yourself to make it possible.

If you can get these two spaces set then you're on a better path than before. The book is sure to talk about other types of spaces that make it easier and better for us to tap into that creative zone that works with the words instead of pictures or web sites. Perhaps as I learn more from this book I'll share it with everyone.

Obviously I have to make some changes though what I'm not sure about yet.

Character Agitation

Characters, characters, how I hate them sometimes. They never seem to cooperate when I absolutely need them to. It's irritating and to make it worse, they hide sometimes too. Talk about rude.

As you can tell, I'm having some serious character problems. Fortunately they are not my usual kind of problems. This time they are acting up in the wrong way. I have two of them in particular that's being a real pain in the butt. I'll start with the nicest of the two.

Her name is Cyrilla and she's the High Priestess for the Goddess Celency, the Goddess of War for the Dancers. The scene is right after Nyx becomes, well Nyx (she was Mia at the beginning, but nothing ever stays the same). Nyx goes into the temple as Mia, the Goddess changes her and she comes out Nyx, but it can't be official by the rules of the Order until Cyrilla, as High Priestess, swears her onto the Path of Celency. A formality in this instance, but an important one. The problem is this: The words that Cyrilla should say as her hand rests on Nyx's forehead to do the blessing just refuses to come. It sounds static, forced and frankly incomplete. Here, let me show you:

It took her a moment to smooth her face into something serious, when she did she moved to Nyx and placed her hand on top of the girls head, closing her eyes. Taking a deep breath, she held it then let it flow out of her like Renata had, "Mia, when you came to be among us, you were but one child among others. In the time you’ve been with us we have seen you grow and change," Cyrilla’s voice faltered for a second and Rena had to hide a smile, "becoming the Dancer as you were meant to be. Out of the silence a Voice has echoed, calling you to stand on these steps and take on the Trials and Faith of our Warrior Goddess Celency. This path is not for the faint of heart, but it has been laid before you. Do you willingly accept the trials, tribulations and simple joy that will be given in true faith?"

In a strong voice Mia answered, "I do."

Rena felt the air get heavier around them and could barely suppress a shudder. One look at the other ladies showed she wasn’t alone, but only Cyrilla seemed to be unaffected by it. Instead both her and Mia had a look of absolute joy as Cyrilla removed her hand from Mia’s head, "Then rise Nyx, Dancer of the Night as a Dancer of War. You will take your place among our Sisters, paying service to the Goddess Celency. Stand and be recognized."


See? See! It's infuriating to say the least, maddening to say the most. I've gone through three different versions and all of them aren't completely right. This one is the closest but something is still missing, but I'll be damned if Cyrilla isn't telling me what........

I realized in just this second that I might be sounding a bit nutty in the fact that I'm talking about Cyrilla as if she's a person instead of just a character. It happens with some characters though, they become a person instead of just someone I made up though deep down I do still acknowledge that she's my own creation and the problem isn't her, but me. Admitting that though would require that I toss away my pride and grovel at the feet of greater writers than myself for help. But I'm not admitting it, not here anyway. I'll save that kind of admittance for my prayers thank you!

So that's my problem with Cyrilla and honestly, it's the least. The other problem is Tim, who is a character in Memory Lane. His role is fairly simple, not completely straight forward until the end, but simple as he's the hostage-taker leader (that's not the technical term for his role, but today that's what I want to call him so there!). The problem is that I seemed to have lost him. He had meat to him at page 124, but apparently between then and page 133 he went on a diet. The nerve of him!

Unfortunately in this I can't blame Tim like I can blame Cyrilla, this is really my fault due to the fact that I'm trying to enrich the story. This means that I have to give the meat that unfortunately Tim never really had at page 133. The true problem is that I'm not sure what button to push to get him to go into the rage that I require. Alex is suppose to taunt him, antagonize him to the point that he remains focused on her instead of the innocents in the crowd watching. She's also hoping to get information out of the bastard too. The way it is now, without the editing done prior, his button apparently is being called a coward. This is hardly realistic because if this man is more than capable of organizing and implementing such a daring (and idiotic) plan of capturing a whole crew of a television show then clearly he doesn't need to validate his bravery quota.

So now I have to find out what his button is and how Alex is going to find it. It's either that or leave Tim paper thin....and I only kind of mean the pun. More not than do.

These two problems have left me distracted from other important things because I keep looking at both instances with a frown, a growl and probably a few head shakes though I haven't descended into the swear words yet. If it continues on for another month then I might finally give into the harsher words of the English Language.

Now, in the grand scheme of things, the big picture of life, these two problems are probably minor. I mean, if I don't get them fixed then going on with either the story about Nyx or finishing third draft of Memory Lane will take longer and that's a problem, but when you compare it against my family, school assignments, newsletter articles and my other commitments it pales. Then again, if I don't get the third draft finished, I can't get to the fourth or to a publisher so that it can make it to print, thereby supplementing our income could be a bigger problem.

But that isn't my concern. My problem is with the pair of them and damn it, I want it fixed simply out of pride than of necessity. I mean I wrote them, it shouldn't be this annoying or difficult. Cyrilla theoretically is easier to work with than Tim. At least Cyrilla is established, she has some meat to her bones. Tim is a different ball and chain that really shouldn't exist in the first place. That doesn't change the reality, but it really burns my britches......

The itch that must be scratched

You can thank my husband for today's title as it came out of a conversation in regards to my writing. Before I go into it though, let me start at the beginning.

I take you back to a time when I was fourteen, I was in High School back then and I had been just puttering around in my room. I don't recall being in the middle of anything important and in truth, I don't remember the specific date either. What I do remember is that I had this character, she didn't really have a name, at least not one I can pinpoint as being the first. However I knew everything else from her height, the color of her hair and eyes, even her attitude in general. She is, and I say this honestly, my first character. I've spoken about her a number of times off and on so I'm sure it's obvious that I'm talking about Nyx.

On this one particular day I asked a question of myself that led me to where I am now. I asked simply "How did dancers (as in the profession) come about?" Simple and you wouldn't think it would go anywhere, but it did for some reason. I started having visions of them being mighty warriors, skilled in all aspects of things. A group of people that were not only respected, but envied and left those they passed in simple awe. Immediately I knew that my character would work exceptionally well within in this profession. I went running from there with the idea. I did my research and started to craft together a race of women who lived together in an order. I'm not sure why I didn't come up with something more original than just calling them Dancers. It doesn't matter any more really because there is no doubt in my mind that is their name and that it's always been like that.

Anyway, from the Dancers I began to craft an idea for a story. As a fourteen year old girl I'll admit, the structure I had thought up was, well, depressing. Half formed ideas, concepts that were displayed poorly and frankly my transitions scenes were non-existent. I still have that very first draft of the book and when I look back at it I can't help but laugh at the paltry nature of it.

They are not the first story to suffer from this, nor will they be the last as I slowly move old writing from the paper to the computer. I just can't help but tinker at it. This one story however is the bane of my existence in a way. I'm unable to avoid the thrall of it, though in all truth I don't put that much effort in trying either. It's my story after all so why should I? That's not the problem though, not really. It's a, and I'm extremely biased of course, good story. The problem is that I can't seem to finish the damn thing.

I get about halfway through it and suddenly, bam, I get this idea of how to improve it. Or worse, and I always hate this when it happens to any of my stories, I realize that I didn't do enough preparation time into the bloody thing. There's a question of what next that I can't ever seem to answer even though, ideally, it should be something that I should be able to answer because again it's my book. The hard thing is that when I think I can answer it I realize that to answer question A, I need to know item b, c, and d. If I don't know the items, the question isn't quite so obvious.

To make this even more interesting is that I'm not the only one who is frustrated by this. No joke folks. So many people have heard about the Golden Crown in the last 14 years that I think I've gotten all of them so eager to read it that they wouldn't care if its horrible. They just want it done. My husband is no exception, actually I think he's leading the pack. He tells me constantly to just keep going, to push through past the need to know the items to answer the question, just answer it and get on with it.

Intellectually I know he's right, emotionally I know it too, but for some reason I can't do it.

Here's the usual sequence of events that happens every time the Golden Crown comes out. First I get an idea, I start thinking about it. It gnaws at me for several days until finally I give up and start writing whatever the thought is. I explore it with the words, with my minds eye, even with my ear (yes folks, I talk out my stories, leave me alone). Then, I get to this point that simply exploring the idea isn't enough because snippets of paragraphs, dialogs and over all thoughts from the characters themselves start to invade my writing. I try to push past them, jot down the snippets to go back to the exploration. It doesn't work, it gets worse, more insistent to the point that it invades my dreams until finally I give in and I start writing the scene.

I begin and in two days I write 15 pages worth of stuff, okay, technically it's 14.5, but whose being specific anyway? It shocks me, surprised that so much can flow out so fast. The reality is that these long bursts of writing happen so often that it really shouldn't be a surprise or a shock and that frankly, I should just give in at the very beginning when they first start pushing at me (the snippets that is) and save myself from agony. But can I do something like that? Noooo, that's indecent!

Anyway, so the shock leaves me bewildered, I do my little head shake and despite my vow not to tell Ike that once again I'm almost back to the drawing board instead of writing the story about the Golden Crown, I have to say "Wow dear, can you believe that in two days I wrote 15 pages worth of stuff?"

Naturally Ike asks me what did I write about? Which story is it this time? I then give him some speech about how I'm not sure if I should tell him because I know how he's going to react. Usually he says tell me anyway so I do. Tonight though he did something different. I told him that and he shrugged and said, "Okay, then don't tell me."

I was caught completely off guard and now, an hour or so later, I realize why he did it, because he already knew just by me saying it what story I was working on. I stare at him, he smiles then tells me to go ahead and say it because if I don't it's just going to eat at me. So I do and sure enough he has this look of not again.

Just like always I try to justify it "I'm not changing the story, not starting over. I'm just exploring a certain part that I hadn't before. You know, filling it out."

He then tells me that he thinks I'm now starting to make it too complicated (which he may be right about, but I'm not sure). I explain how I can't help it and once again equate the Golden Crown and Nyx to being my ultimate story. It's the story to rule them all and since Tolkien and C.S. Lewis are both big inspirations for me in regards to what a grade A super novel should be like I am hoping, praying, wishing that the Golden Crown and Nyx will be that for me. Tonight though Ike suggested a different comparison because while yes, both Tolkien and Lewis put in a boat load of details (Tolkien more than Lewis as anyone who has read both can attest to) in their books, it probably didn't take them 20 years to do it. I'd have to research it to find out though as I'm not completely sure on if he's right.

He then mentioned another favorite author that we share, Stephen King. Now anyone who is a Stephen King fan knows all about the Dark Tower Series. He's got bits and pieces of the whole series in everyone one of his books, or if not all of them at the very least most of them. I noticed it first in Insomnia, but you can find it in his earlier books as well. It's like the itch you just can't stop scratching. It's always there, pulsing against your skin begging for relief to the point where you know if you don't itch it, it'll just get worse.

Thinking about it, I realize he's right in a way though I don't think I can slip tiny details about Nyx and the rest of the cast of the Golden Crown into Memory Lane (it's a totally different kettle of fish) or other books (though I do have an idea of where I might be able to pull it off....that's a different subject though).

The joke though isn't that I'm comparing myself to Stephen King (though you have to admit that's pretty funny), no. Instead it deals with the fact that it took Stephen King about 20 years to finish the Dark Tower Series so I figure, if the situation is really like that in regards to the Golden Crown, then I have only 6 more years to struggle with it before it all comes together....yippee!

Story meets life

I believe I had mentioned a few months ago a story that I was trying to create for a writing contest. Well, since then I have finished it and managed to do it in 3,962 words. Since the max limit had been 4,000 I'm quite proud of myself. It's called an Immortal Life.

The main character is Sela and she's, you got it, an Immortal. Currently we're looking in on her during a week that she takes for herself every year to take a trip down memory lane. She does it for sanity purposes. Overall I think the story is good, I need to spruce it up a bit of course, but on the whole, it's a good story. I do have one complaint and that's only because I couldn't do what I really wanted to do which was go from Sela's trip down memory lane then on to the drama of dealing with another Immortal that she hates because he's in jail for murder. His sentence is life, which as I'm sure you can imagine, would be a problem.

I had this whole time line planned out, meet Sela during her birth week (thanks to a friend of mine I found out that during the time period I had chosen for Sela, the idea of a date to celebrate ones birth hadn't taken hold at the time. Because of this fact Sela choose a date that is close to when she thinks she was born, the first few hundred years is a little hazy for her though so she doesn't know for sure, you understand.) Then go on to the prison to talk to the guy she hates, the only guy she hates. Lots of snippy comments back and forth, a little flash black and tiny breakout attempt (or was it an attempt?) then the story is over.

The problem is that putting that much detail into 4,000 words is impossible. I know, I tried it. Sigh, so maybe someday I'll be able to flesh out the rest. Hell, maybe I'll do it just for the hell of it. If I don't win the contest perhaps I can do that for another contest that allows more than 4,000 words. 25,000 is a good number, I'll look for that instead then I'll be in business.

Anyway, that's not the point I actually wanted to talk about. The point I do want to discuss is how cool, if not a bit ironic, a particular part happens to directly relate to a personal epiphany that I had. Here, I'll quote from the story then go on to explain how I mean.

It was during this time that Sela could feel a role reversal with them. These mortals would take this time to throw off their cares and worries, experience the moment for what it was. To live in just this space without having their problems drag them down. For this one week Sela relied on that fact, needing it like a drug addict needed their fix. It kept her from going down a path of insensibility, kept her sane as she allowed memories of events, friends and families long past to rise up for their say.

That kind of sums up the theme of the story in regards to Immortals, at least in my opinion. I've asked a slew of people whether they would want to be immortal and everyone said yes as long as their was a provision allowing their loved ones (spouse, children, maybe parents) could be immortal together. This says something to me as a whole, that we all wish we could stop worrying about the future (think about it, the phrase I'll get to it eventually takes on a whole new meaning when you can live forever) and that they value the people around them in such a way that they think they can stand being around them for all eternity.

This, however, is not my epiphany though I can't exactly call it an epiphany. Usually those are almost instantaneous, kind of a big huge wham, bam, oh my if I had only figured that out ten years ago! So technically it's just a revelation that I believe started with Sela. My realization is that it's okay to surrender to the pull of life around me.

All right, I can imagine some of you saying "Well duh, we all know that." But do we really? How many of us really put that thought into this moment? I mean, right now I am sitting in front of a computer, trying to focus with contacts that I'm about ready to take out just so I can read this easier, but does it mean anything? Usually I'm wondering, during the pauses of my thought process that is, what do I have to do next. What is on my agenda, what is on my plan for the day. I have since realized however that doing that kind of worrying is extremely stressful. We can all make lists until our hands are crippled in a serious cramp, but what does that get us?

That's an answer for each individual to give, but for myself the answer is nothing. I always felt that I had to be doing something that pushes me forward. That propels me to the next step whether it's cooking dinner or taking the kids out somewhere. Until recently I felt I was nailed down into so many different roles and realities that I felt as if I was being pulled apart by the strain.

While writing Sela's thoughts about living in the moment, it didn't occur to me that I was about to start a very short road from a pressure filled world to a decrease of stress by at least 35% (I'd say more, but that's today, we'll see how it goes tomorrow). In other words folks, I don't feel as tired as I usually do despite having trouble sleeping (really weird and freaky dreams, I'll tell you all about it later once I figure out what flying in lingerie is trying to tell me...p.s. if you know, feel free to tell me).

Okay, give me a sec, I have to take out these contacts, blurred vision is so not fun.....

Ahhh, now I can read the screen....so where was I? Ah yes my revelation.

The first step of this revelation came from Sela I think, a subconscious light flickering on. It just took me about a month and a half for it to go from the subconscious to the conscious forefront. The second came from Ike, my hubby. We were talking about school and the problem I was having about being a writer while going for my web design degree. Basically I felt I was betraying a part of myself due to the school aspect. He said, in a way, that I sometimes just have to surrender to the direction I'm going. While he didn't say that message exactly I think he was trying to, or at least that's what I heard from him.

He was right though, but I didn't realize the truth of his message until later. I want to talk about it though before I explain how it finally sank in. Too many times have I found myself doing something other than writing full time (which, by the way, is my dream reality. To do nothing but write.) To do this though it means I'd have to give up a few things. Like my art, web pages, the various Internet activities that I do. Maybe even more than that. It's a fine ambition, but hardly practical considering the age of my kids. If I keep trying to fight the reality of my life, the various roles that I'm playing as Mother, Wife, Woman, Writer, Artist, Web Designer, etc then all I'm going to do is tear myself up.

Let me tell you, it's not fun doing that. I kept trying to find balance, but it wasn't coming to me. Something always felt like it was more important and that I had to handle that now instead of later.

Then, about three weeks ago I received a Divine Intervention. Close to midnight I was hit with an urge to gather some supplies. It was the type of urge that ignoring it hurts and ultimately I had no choice in the matter. In a short space of time I did an impromptu Ritual that even now I can't remember all that I said or did. There is only one part that is still clear as a bell in my mind even three weeks later.

Now, before this I was starting to get irritated at how some Christian believers can be so pushy about their faith. It's like the idea of believing something else is an affront to a few people and they just keep going on and on without listening or even trying to understand an alternate point of view. There are Christians that are the exact opposite (one is a very good friend of mine and we are involved in a very long conversation about our extremely opposite views and I love it so don't think I'm knocking the religion, just those that are unwilling to be open minded okay) which is fantastic, I wish the whole host of believers were the same way and perhaps one day they will be. My irritation were with the handful that aren't however and it seemed that I was finding them everywhere. Go to my church, this faith is the absolute truth no matter what, etc.

For them, sure, not for me though. Anyway, my irritation was starting to be expressed by severe sarcasm and when I get severe it's so sharp you could cut yourself with it (the gift of being a writer I think). In addition my feelings were starting to ripple toward individuals who aren't like that, but that I know are Christian. This, by the way, is not a very Wiccan way to live, but I couldn't stop myself. It just kept slipping out of me and I was having a serious control issue.

Well, that night I received a very important message from the God and Goddess. They told me very firmly "Don't scorn the Christian heart." In that instant I felt all my irritation and negativity just float away. I literally got the sense knocked back into my skull. What I didn't realize was that they left a parting gift. I have found in my experience that each time I'm in communion with the God and Goddess I often learn more than just the primary message that I get from Them. I've talked to others who have had similar experiences, even with the Christian God as well I might as well add, who find the same circumstances.

Well, the gift they gave me was a deeper understanding of myself. The release of all that aggravation also freed me from this road block I had in regards to my life. Without even realizing it, the moment I closed the circle I actually stopped fighting my life. I was finding my balance. Decisions on going out and doing something for myself were suddenly much easier for me.

The next day I did a major house cleaning, got rid of a lot of old stuff that had to just go. I hung up some pictures (finally) in my downstairs area then lost my dog. LOL. I laugh now, I wasn't laughing then.

What is interesting though is that I think Chelsey escaping from the fence then go missing for two days straight was a test to see if I had really absorbed the message. Despite not being able to sleep or study for my midterms or do my major research paper and even trying to keep the kids from being too upset (btw, if you have young children and your pet goes missing, tell them the pet in question is on an adventure and will be back soon. It worked amazingly well for Raven) I didn't feel like the world was crashing around me. That even though I was really upset I just knew it was going to be okay, that I would find her.

We did find her and I was deliriously happy because my husband came home from his trip two hours later, at which point I then collapsed in bed and slept off the exhaustion I was feeling. And the next day I didn't feel drained like I usually do after a serious situation like that. I wasn't completely rejuvenated, but I also wasn't wondering what else would go wrong.

That was completely uplifting...once I realized it that is (remember, revelations take time to articulate even in our own heads).

There are two more incidents that really pushed the whole concept into my consciousness. The first one that happened did so last week on Thursday. I was talking with my personal trainer when I noticed that despite being only 24, he looked more stressed and tired that I was. I mean, heck he's 24, unmarried (with a steady girlfriend) and a great job. I thought he should be living life for all it was worth, but he wasn't. He was in the process of telling me that he still needed to do my diet and the diet for 30 other people when I got up and closed the door to his office. I told him quite frankly and upfront that he had to start taking care of himself. Take time for himself and I told him everything I've been trying to tell myself, that Ike has been telling me...hell, that everyone I knew was telling me. Take time for yourself, be true to your own needs because if you can't do that then you can't take care of other people.

After I left the gym though I got to thinking about what I told him, what message I was trying to convey to him and realized that I don't do that myself. How could I, a person that was having trouble merging my own life give someone advice on how to do it. That was when I realized that I have to stop making excuses to not do it. That I just had to get up, shake myself and, well, do it.

So I did. The whole next week, since I knew Ike was going to be leaving for another trip, I went out and did something for just me. I bought a new dress (yes, I finally am trying to buy dresses which is something I haven't done since I was 18 I think...I'm not a dress person), I bought a few other pieces for my wardrobe. I also got myself a haircut that I've been meaning to get done and, shock of all shocks, I did something new. Gasp at the horror! LOL. I laugh because before the kids were born I was always about doing something new and now I drag my feet.

However I just went into the Hair Saloon and said "Screw it" then got my eyebrows waxed. I had never done it before and I had been thinking about it, just never had the courage. Last weekend I garnered it and came out with a freshly waxed set of eyebrows. I'll admit, I'm not sure about the shape the lady put them in, but hell it was my first time, how was I to know?

It's like a whole new me started that night after the God and Goddess spoke to me. Not just a new me, but a new lease on life. All because I finally surrendered to the journey instead of striving for the destination.

That leads me to the last and most recent event that solidified the whole concept in my mind. I was talking to my college coach (think life skills coach geared only to my classroom situation though she and I always manage to talk about everything else as well). We were talking about how things have been since my intervention and in doing that phrase came to me. Which, incidentally, is also a Chinese Proverb, or at least a paraphrase of one.

So how does my story meet my life? Well, it's actually pretty simple.

Such short lives, filled with cares that could never compare to history. In some ways Sela wished that she could shake each and everyone one of them, tell them in lurid detail how lucky they were to live and die, to share with them the beauty that simple mortality gave them.

Brainstorming

You know what I find interesting? How our mind works. I'll take myself for example. Right now I'm tired, extremely tired, despite going to bed early I'm still on the precipice of being asleep. If I slow down for too long, say to watch TV or something, I'll be asleep in under ten minutes. Which of course means I'll have to keep moving. But, what is interesting is that despite the strong urge to close my eyes and go to sleep, I'm still thinking about a possible story.

Here's the situation. I learned of a writing contest that, if I was to win, the grand prize is $3,000 dollars plus a trip to New York for me and one other to meet with Agents, Editors and a Publisher. The entry is due in May and honestly I would love to win the grand prize. I have until May 15th to submit a short story that is 4,000 words long. That is the hard part. I have several possible ideas that could work. A serial killer confessional, Siam, I could even do a short story about Alex or maybe even Genie.....actually that's a really good idea.....Okay, a really good idea. I'd have to chew on it for awhile.

The problem however is this: How do I make it only 4,000 words and be interesting? This may not seem like a problem to most people, but I'm a slow and gradual kind of writer. I like to bring things out in time, pace the story so a short story feels, well, short. Of the four ideas, only three of them are actually viable for a short story. My serial killer piece, I'll be honest, the main character killed 19 people and you can't really confess to all 19 people in just 4,000 words. It's just not possible so realistically, unless I have the character only confess to the first one and leave the judges wanting more, then maybe. In reality though the Judges probably aren't going to care. A story is suppose to have a beginning, a middle and an end. If you leave them wanting more, clearly you don't have an end.

With Alex and Genie, well they are easy simply because I can do something from their life earlier than the story that I'm writing for them. Genie is CIA, I'm positive I could come up with some kind of mission gone wrong that can finish in 4,000 words.......okay, probably 8,000 words, but I'm flexible. I'm sure I can figure something out. If I do Alex then at least I can give her a try with readers that aren't friends or related to me. There is a sort of bias when it comes to friends and family after all that just can't be ignored....no matter how much you wish you could.

Siam is designed to be several short stories combined with one long story. Think of it like this: Chapter 1 is of course an introduction to Siam and the other people along for the ride. You find out what she looks like, how she acts...her strange sense of humor and that something isn't exactly right about her. Normal just doesn't apply. The second Chapter is in her point of view, she basically is talking to the reader while telling about this one job that she did. The hard part for Siam is that I have to step in and out of her skull throughout the whole story. For a short...which I might have one already accomplished now I think about it.....it would be of course from Siam's perspective, talking about a client. The problem is that I don't think it's 4,000 words, I think it's more.

I suppose I could do Nyx. If anyone is the easiest to write for it's Nyx, but she has a nasty habit of picking me up and running me where she wants to go which will take as long as it takes thank you very much.

There's one other possibility I suppose, an idea that has teased me off and on for the last few years. It's about my favorite theoretical subject, multiple realities. Here's the picture: A woman is walking into her kitchen to get some food for her children. She takes one step, two steps then bam, pain and she's out like a light. When she wakes up she's in the body of one of her duplicates within another reality. I know all the answers about how, why, what, when, where and who of course, but again, my problem with it being too long. I seem to be missing three separate genes in my body. The first one is the knack of drawing on paper, I just don't have it. The second seems to be the morning person gene. I am not happy with waking up early, I have a hard day the whole day if I do. Bad enough my daughter wakes me at 8:00 AM every morning, but when I have to wake up at about 6:30 just to get ready to go to the gym....I get cranky. The third gene is the kicker, it's the one that allows me to think up short stories instead of longer ones.

Anyway, who wants to read a 4,000 word story? What can you do with that? Not very much, unfortunately, you have time for one twist and that's it. Sadly I think that's a little boring, so what do I do? The answer is simple, I have until the middle of February to come up with an idea I like that could work then I have until May to write and edit the bloody thing. Plus I have school on top of that.............

I think I should have named this entry as Brainstorming and Whining. It seems half of this is just that, one or the other. The reason I'm brainstorming here instead of with my husband is because this week he's in Florida and next week he'll be in Arkansas, leaving me without a partner in the fiasco. The problem is that Ike and I think about things very differently, which is why it's easier to bounce ideas off of him since he looks at it in a completely different way than I may. This tells me one thing for certain.....I need to find more people that think like he does so that when he's away I'll have someone else to bounce my ideas off of.

Incidentally, if anyone thinks one of my ideas would be better than another, please let me know. The more input the better.

Our garnish

You know, I have this cousin that is a cook and I sometimes watch Iron Chef and a few other cooking shows (basically when there is nothing else on). Something that they talk about is the parts of the meal that they are preparing. You have the meat of it, the garnish, the side dishes and a few others that I can't remember. Anyway, I was just thinking about how that can be our simile of the day.

If you were to think of a story as a dinner that you have to worry about what is on the plate. Let us say that we're cooking steak. You have the steak itself, what people are going to love to dig into. This is the part that really makes us drool, but let's be honest, a steak is nothing if it's too dry and too boring. If it's just meat we can last a few bites then sigh in disappointment. What does every steak need? Just ask Heinz, they'll tell you. It needs the sauce, the garnish, the topping. Pick whichever word you wish to use.

Well, if we were to apply the same thought process to our story I would call the characters that populate our story the marinade of the steak. The stuff you let the meat sit in for 24 hours just so that each bite gave you a yummy rush of flavor that just make you dive into the steak even more vigorously....just thinking about steak is making me hungry....yum.

Thinking of our characters like this hopefully gives an idea of just how important they are to a story. While yes you can have that slab of steak without any sauce on it, be honest, you want it to have the sauce. Well, the story has to have characters, no questions about it.

Now I've never had any problems with creating characters, anyone that has RPed with me will probably agree because I purposely go out of my way to make my characters engaging and delightful. They have quirks, pet peeves, inconsitencies, emotions (except for that Vulcan I did once, but she was a special case being a Vulcan), they have things that make them laugh, they have sense of humors. Some are pessimests, others are optimists, some are amibitious while others are philathrapists or just don't give a shit. They are people to me, I make them that way. Why? Well, because if to me they are people. They have faces, voices, hand movements...etc. I'd go on, but I'm pretty sure you get the point.

Now, please don't mistake me. I'm not saying that it doesn't take effort for me to create these characters. I don't think I've ever made an interesting character in just a few hours, at least I can't recall of any. It usually takes at least a few days, at most a few years. I'll trot out one of my favorites, she's always accomodating me in that regards so I may as well take advantage of it. Nyx started when I was a kid though I didn't recognize her as being a potential story character until my teens. Spending all the years that I have has made Nyx's stats long enough to be an actual book.

Now, I wouldn't actually suggest that anyone spend twenty plus years on a character. That's a bit too much time and I would hope that you would want to get published long before that. My point though is this: Know your character, inside and out. Know things about him or her that no one else would. Sometimes we all fall into the trap of developing only as much as you need to, but let me warn you all (and remind myself) don't do that. It may seem very time consuming to figure out the stuff that won't make it to print, but trust me, knowing it is a heck of a lot better because you never know when you'll have to go back to that third draft and add something you didn't think you needed. Better to have it and not use than need it and not have it.

You know, the question I have each and every time that I start working on a character is knowing what I do need to know. I've been trying to find a pattern to use for such a need, but each time I start a character that pattern changes. Now, I suppose I could just shrug it off, but it really bugs me.

Right now I'm starting a character whose first name is Genie. She's a CIA Agent...sort of. It's complicated, the sort of bit, but in working on her it has gotten me thinking, what pattern should I use because she is not the only character that will be in this. Currently I already have 9 characters that need to be fleshed out. I would like to develop all nine and any subsequent characters in the same format, have the same questions answered. To do that I'm starting with Genie, get her fleshed out (the beginning stages) then go from there.

I have opted to start with the physical, what we would see...assuming she was a real person that is.... then moving inwardly. So I know how tall she is, her weight, her age, her eyes. Basically I have a picture of her. I know how she sits, how she moves, how much she works out...yadda yadda. Yet the question I have to myself is, is this enough? Should I get categories and work on them from there for all future characters? I mean, the stuff I know for Nyx is very different than what I know for Alex or Mark or Jack or Genie. That makes sense, but there are basic qualities that I know of beyond the physical.

In other words I'm a big mess in making that decision and sometimes I feel like I'm floundering then I get a great idea, like who chose Genie's name and why.....

Essentially my marinade still needs some work, yet I find myself having a lot of fun poking and prodding Genie, trying to get her to tell me everything she knows. I have to figure out my questions for her, but in the meantime I'll still continue to talk to her and see what she has to say......

One last thing.....Merry Christmas to everyone!

An Idea

You know, I was trying to think back to when I started this story about Alex and Mark. I keep wracking my brains, trying to figure out why they stood out as being worthy of a story. I can remember how, I can remember what inspired, but I can't seem to remember why. I'm not sure why it's important to remember right now either though.

Maybe it will come to me later, I'm not sure or perhaps it's not as important as I think it may be.

I want to talk about the idea though. It's where it all starts for just about anything, from writing to politics all the way to the way a city is laid out. Someone had an idea, then spent time and energy to help it grow. Much like what we do with children and gardens. It takes effort. Yet, it seems to me that the only profession that gets asked the most about their ideas are those in the various writing fields that are available, especially fiction writers. I don't hear about how people ask an architect or a Doctor where they get their ideas. Sure, they ask about their inspiration, but that's a different kettle of fish.

Perhaps artists get the question to, I'm not sure yet. I've only started as an artist so I haven't been asked that yet. I have been asked as a writer though. The question is simple: where do you get a story idea?

The answer that almost every writer gives in some form or another is 'I don't know. It just pops into my head and then I explore it.' It's a frustrating answer, even to us writers I think simply because we want to know too. Sure, we can point at things in our lives that may inspire a good idea. Books, movies, conversations, dreams, name the activity and I promise someone can be inspired by it. But to take that idea and turn it into a possible story, well that's a different ball of wax (yes, I know I'm using a lot of metaphors, forgive me for it).

For right now though I'll try to express my process of how something that inspires moves into a story idea. I'll use one that will probably never be published. Why? Because unless I get really gutsy and confident enough, which I doubt, I might be willing to show it to a publisher or editor. Then, and only then, it will only be published if the individual in question also decides to be gutsy and take a risk.

Anyway, when I was in High School I had gone over to my boyfriends house to pick him up for school. His mother and I got along really well even though her son and I didn't always (we only dated about two days btw). One day, as a joke, when she answered I put my hands together as if I was saying a prayer, bowed then said, "I am Siam and I am here to sell you something." She got a good laugh out of it, I laughed then went about my day.

Three days later that phrase came back to me and just kept repeating itself over and over until I asked myself a few questions. What kind of person is Siam? What would she be selling? And that's how it starts for me. For just about every story that I've written it all started with a question or a series of questions. Even for all the stuff that I role play, it begins with a question. What would happen if.....? How would so-n-so deal with this?

I have notes upon notes of questions like these somewhere in my house...we just moved so I have to find them again...and for the stories that actually go somewhere I go back to it, look it over and sometimes I even answer the questions a bit more completely.

What does Siam sell? Everything, something or nothing at all. Ah, but what does that mean? It means that she can grant your wishes, make your nightmares come true or just walk away. Who would buy stuff from her? Who wouldn't?......

I think everyone brainstorms in their own way. Some use the bubble format...which I love except I always run out of paper. Some use the outline. The possibilities are endless as point of fact.

Another method I use is to go from the angle of a character. A book I read about writing was talking about going somewhere, sit with your notebook and just describe the people around you to help come up with ideas for characters. There is this nifty outline that you can fill in, both with what you see with your physical eyes and your creative eyes. I tried that...frankly it didn't work for me. I do know people that it works for like a charm. What works for me though is to find a name. I wrote an article for RPing once that talked about the symptoms of Multiple Player Disorder. One symptom was "An insatiable urge to make up names."

That, folks, is my biggest symptom. I love names, I can try to make up names all day and be happy....okay, maybe not all day, but I'm sure you get my point. Anyway, that is often how I build my characters. I figure out their name then I build their personality.

I have a character, her name is Nyx. Yes, you're reading that right. Nyx means two things. 1. Nothing and 2. Night. I picked the name because of both meanings. The psychology of it is a totally different story that would take all night to do it.....sorry, really couldn't resist.

Anyway, once I had her name it was easy to go from there. What does Nyx look like? Well, she's tall, about six foot. She has dark black hair, not the dark brown that looks black in a certain light, but black. Midnight black to fit her name after all. And her skin, well, it's white, alabaster white. Then her eyes, ooh, let's make the gray as stone. Now....why is she like that? She's an outdoors kind of person so logically she should be able to get a tan, but she can't....why???? Ah, I know, perfect, when she was a child somehow most of the pigment in her skin was leeched out.....but how and is that possible? Oh, an easy answer - it's fantasy so anything can happen....

See, there you go, an example of a character building moment from Jess McClary. Cool huh? Now there's a whole lot more involved in the creation of Nyx and to tell that would require a life history that frankly, I'm not interested in giving.

I could go on and on about this, showing examples galore, but let's not waist time. My point is this, the answer that writers give when asked about where they get their story ideas is valid and in fact, the only one that can be given. We can say what may have inspired us, we can tell you how it all began, but where it comes from? No one really knows and personally I think it should stay that way.

Now, if you wish to be a writer, but fear that you don't have that magic sensing rod for potential story ideas, don't. I have a strong belief that anyone and everyone can stumble on a story idea. I can't promise that they will be a good story idea, but I can promise that you can and will get one when you least expect it. The trick to being a writer though isn't about getting ideas, it's about crafting those ideas from being something small and occasional to being something fantastic that makes people want to read it. Think of every idea that you've ever gotten, about anything, like being a child. With some encouragement, time, effort and good compliments along with some discipline, it can grow up to being a fully functioning construct where the wonders of the world can sit and sparkle.