Writers Block

First, before I begin, I wish to warn all that I'm having some personal problems that have left me waspish, angry and bitter in certain ways. I can't seem to keep a humorous mind frame or can I write a different voice for different characters. This has left me in a type of agony that frankly drives me a bit batty. I'm a writer and the idea that I can't write anything of consequence or of any use in any way leaves me feeling slightly hopeless. I know it will pass, but I can't wait until it does.

I have realized within the last day or so that this is a form of writers block and it's the worse kind because it's not that I don't have the words, I just don't have the emotions for it. Now writers block is fairly simply, don't get me wrong though as it's a whole new level of frustration that I don't think anyone could adequately explain simply due to the fact that it affects each and everyone one of us very differently.

For me the traditional form of writers block relies simply in staring at the document, story or brainstorm helplessly, wanting to write something only to get frustrated when I can't then storm away. This is usually accompanied by a continuous strain of comments toward the computer and anyone who is willing to listen. To say that this makes family life interesting is an understatement simply because when I start to vent my language tends to deteriorate into the more cruder elements of the English Language. Essentially I cuss and as it goes further along the words get stronger moving from a simply damn to a full blown string of four letter words that my kids shouldn't be hearing from anyone.

Needless to say when I'm going through the agony of the block I make sure to only pull it out and bang at it with my fists after the kids go to bed, just in case you realize.

Usually this form of writers block passes, the length of time it takes for it to do so varies of course, but once it does then I become a writing machine. It's almost as if during the block and inability to write my brain had stored up all the words so that when I had finally managed to find the trigger it could just flow like a river. Typically, when it starts, it takes a near miracle or tragedy to get me to stop. I get short tempered at people who interrupt it and this is another problem because usually the river doesn't wait until the children hit the sack. This leaves me on the edge between the duty of mother and the drag of writer. The effort to balance the two, usually slightly unsuccessfully I might as well add, leaves me emotionally exhausted when life finally settles down again. Knowing the process as I do I am seriously tempted to start taking the kids to day care during such times so that it's less of a balancing act and they can get some interactions with someone other than Mommy. I'll just have to wait and see.

This is all fairly typical of writers block, you either can't write or you write badly. Even people who don't want to be novelist or do anything with stories suffer from this kind of block, just ask my husband when it comes down to EPR time. I think it's just a defense mechanism in our brains to keep us from getting too big of an ego.

Anyway, I've recently discovered another form of writers block that has never occurred to me, though in hindsight it probably should have.

I think I'll start calling it the Emotional Writers Block and there are several reasons it should be named as such. The first is the simple fact that when we write, especially those who write stories and work with characters on a regular basis, we use ourselves as the guide. Our emotions, the actions, the thoughts all come from within us. We know what we feel like when we're happy, sad, angry, thoughtful. How the mind moves from point A to point B, or for some of us how and why it skips all the way to point D without even needing a point C. (If you're one of those people, I'd like to know what it feels like to you as I need point C).

So, keeping that in mind, it really shouldn't be that surprising that our current emotional standing on a personal level would affect our attempts. It shouldn't but that doesn't mean it isn't. As I stated I'm going through a hard time at this moment, the only part of me that doesn't feel like it's raw and dragged over the coals is my spirit, which is a first for me. It definitely makes me wonder if another reason that the Lord and Lady took a direct hand in my adjustment period was that they saw this current situation in my future. Which would then suggest that this is fate...... Yeah, I don't want to pursue that thought until I'm through this crisis. I don't think I'm ready for it yet.

Anyway, due to this situation I'm in emotionally I have found something very disturbing in the simple fact that any verbal exchange that I create between my characters all come out heated, angry and quite a bit melodramatic, showing me something I think I would rather not think about. It's as if all my characters are ganging up and trying to force me to visually see the churning emotions within me to such a degree that it borders on absurdity. One would think that I would have more control over the interactions. To be able to change my mind subtly to reflect the character more than myself. After all, they all sound the way they do for a reason at the moment where I am in the story. Even more frustrating is that I don't currently have any characters in the current mind frame that I find myself in these days.

Being distracted and unable to concentrate is one thing, after all that is a defense mechanism to keep from feeling too hurt and to escape the cascading tears that seem to never want to stop. Keeping my nose buried in a book, my head in the clouds and my eyes fixated on the moving pictures on the television allows me to avoid the thoughts and emotions. However, the ultimate escape for me has been taken away because instead of being able to shunt myself to the side so that I can channel these characters the way they should be I find myself forced with the very emotions and thoughts that I wish to avoid.

To say I'm frustrated is an understatement, to admit annoyance and irritation is to open the doorway toward the stronger emotions buried deeper within. So I find myself suddenly hit with an emotional writers block that leaves me with a decision to make. I either have to create and start writing a character that will sit in the same precise point that I am emotionally and just let all of it flow out of me. Or I could avoid writing until it is under a reasonable amount of control.

Creating a character and scene to help me deal with the emotions is probably the wiser of the two options because let's be honest, hiding from emotions doesn't do anything to help. All it ever does is allow it to fester and grow until there is nothing left but those emotions. Wiser yes, easier no. Sometimes I have found that if I avoid confrontation with myself for a significant amount of time I can build up a skin thick enough for when it's time. Instinct tells me that I should continue to do so, to keep my nose out of the stories and leave it in the books of others creations.

So the question ultimate comes down to a contest between wisdom and instinct. In all honesty instinct is easier and I am already doing it so to continue it would be the easier solution. This has put me in another impasse as I have taken great pains to condition myself to take the harder road as I have found more reward in that than in the easy way. With that said, I also recognize that sometimes retreat is the better part of valor too.

You see what I mean by an emotional block that keeps me from doing anything but writing about or in relation to my current situation?

If I was to do a comparative study between these two types of writers block I believe that the numbers will come down on the Emotional Writers Block as being the worse of the two because you know you can write and that it would probably be pretty good if the story can benefit more than be hurt by the current emotional baggage. The problem is that frequently we might find ourselves without a story or situation that such emotions have a place in, so finding a way to solve the problem is paramount........if you're willing to finally face the problem head on......... which I'm not....yet.

Sorrowful Passing

I just recently learned that one of my favorite authors, David Eddings, passed away due to natural causes. This is very significant to me because he's one of the few authors that actually inspired me when I was younger toward the genre of fantasy. Him and C.S. Lewis. I've read the Belgariad and the Mallorean Series too many times to count and pulled his book about the intricate details of the world for both series apart inch by inch, hoping to learn how to make a world just as rich as he did for the Golden Crown. He was my inspiration and my guide in many ways. Thinking about his passing and the fact that I will never again be able to snatch a new book of his off the shelves grieves me in a way that I can't fully explain.

Rest and be Merry David with your wife Leigh. While I never got to meet you in person, I still feel as if you were almost a part of my family and you will always be in my heart.

Jess

Character Agitation

Characters, characters, how I hate them sometimes. They never seem to cooperate when I absolutely need them to. It's irritating and to make it worse, they hide sometimes too. Talk about rude.

As you can tell, I'm having some serious character problems. Fortunately they are not my usual kind of problems. This time they are acting up in the wrong way. I have two of them in particular that's being a real pain in the butt. I'll start with the nicest of the two.

Her name is Cyrilla and she's the High Priestess for the Goddess Celency, the Goddess of War for the Dancers. The scene is right after Nyx becomes, well Nyx (she was Mia at the beginning, but nothing ever stays the same). Nyx goes into the temple as Mia, the Goddess changes her and she comes out Nyx, but it can't be official by the rules of the Order until Cyrilla, as High Priestess, swears her onto the Path of Celency. A formality in this instance, but an important one. The problem is this: The words that Cyrilla should say as her hand rests on Nyx's forehead to do the blessing just refuses to come. It sounds static, forced and frankly incomplete. Here, let me show you:

It took her a moment to smooth her face into something serious, when she did she moved to Nyx and placed her hand on top of the girls head, closing her eyes. Taking a deep breath, she held it then let it flow out of her like Renata had, "Mia, when you came to be among us, you were but one child among others. In the time you’ve been with us we have seen you grow and change," Cyrilla’s voice faltered for a second and Rena had to hide a smile, "becoming the Dancer as you were meant to be. Out of the silence a Voice has echoed, calling you to stand on these steps and take on the Trials and Faith of our Warrior Goddess Celency. This path is not for the faint of heart, but it has been laid before you. Do you willingly accept the trials, tribulations and simple joy that will be given in true faith?"

In a strong voice Mia answered, "I do."

Rena felt the air get heavier around them and could barely suppress a shudder. One look at the other ladies showed she wasn’t alone, but only Cyrilla seemed to be unaffected by it. Instead both her and Mia had a look of absolute joy as Cyrilla removed her hand from Mia’s head, "Then rise Nyx, Dancer of the Night as a Dancer of War. You will take your place among our Sisters, paying service to the Goddess Celency. Stand and be recognized."


See? See! It's infuriating to say the least, maddening to say the most. I've gone through three different versions and all of them aren't completely right. This one is the closest but something is still missing, but I'll be damned if Cyrilla isn't telling me what........

I realized in just this second that I might be sounding a bit nutty in the fact that I'm talking about Cyrilla as if she's a person instead of just a character. It happens with some characters though, they become a person instead of just someone I made up though deep down I do still acknowledge that she's my own creation and the problem isn't her, but me. Admitting that though would require that I toss away my pride and grovel at the feet of greater writers than myself for help. But I'm not admitting it, not here anyway. I'll save that kind of admittance for my prayers thank you!

So that's my problem with Cyrilla and honestly, it's the least. The other problem is Tim, who is a character in Memory Lane. His role is fairly simple, not completely straight forward until the end, but simple as he's the hostage-taker leader (that's not the technical term for his role, but today that's what I want to call him so there!). The problem is that I seemed to have lost him. He had meat to him at page 124, but apparently between then and page 133 he went on a diet. The nerve of him!

Unfortunately in this I can't blame Tim like I can blame Cyrilla, this is really my fault due to the fact that I'm trying to enrich the story. This means that I have to give the meat that unfortunately Tim never really had at page 133. The true problem is that I'm not sure what button to push to get him to go into the rage that I require. Alex is suppose to taunt him, antagonize him to the point that he remains focused on her instead of the innocents in the crowd watching. She's also hoping to get information out of the bastard too. The way it is now, without the editing done prior, his button apparently is being called a coward. This is hardly realistic because if this man is more than capable of organizing and implementing such a daring (and idiotic) plan of capturing a whole crew of a television show then clearly he doesn't need to validate his bravery quota.

So now I have to find out what his button is and how Alex is going to find it. It's either that or leave Tim paper thin....and I only kind of mean the pun. More not than do.

These two problems have left me distracted from other important things because I keep looking at both instances with a frown, a growl and probably a few head shakes though I haven't descended into the swear words yet. If it continues on for another month then I might finally give into the harsher words of the English Language.

Now, in the grand scheme of things, the big picture of life, these two problems are probably minor. I mean, if I don't get them fixed then going on with either the story about Nyx or finishing third draft of Memory Lane will take longer and that's a problem, but when you compare it against my family, school assignments, newsletter articles and my other commitments it pales. Then again, if I don't get the third draft finished, I can't get to the fourth or to a publisher so that it can make it to print, thereby supplementing our income could be a bigger problem.

But that isn't my concern. My problem is with the pair of them and damn it, I want it fixed simply out of pride than of necessity. I mean I wrote them, it shouldn't be this annoying or difficult. Cyrilla theoretically is easier to work with than Tim. At least Cyrilla is established, she has some meat to her bones. Tim is a different ball and chain that really shouldn't exist in the first place. That doesn't change the reality, but it really burns my britches......