I couldn't come up with a suitable word that rhymed and was accurate about today. It wasn't too bad I suppose, not until night had fallen. I spent about eight hours, off and on throughout the day, working on my homework which is a pain in the butt simply because for some stupid reason we're not suppose to use our other programs along with Flash to do it.....okay, it's not completely stupid. Impractical perhaps simply because in the 'real world' of the profession, the client isn't going to say "Well, we would like to have a furniture gallery and could you please make sure it is done only in Adobe Flash?" In reality he's going to say, "We need a furniture gallery that has some animation to it and something that looks professional and cool."
So I cheated....okay, not exactly what I would call cheat. My instructor, at the beginning of the class, told us that we could take a picture, lock it then trace it using Flash. So, that's what I did...technically. In reality I planned the whole layout of the project in Photoshop then moved it into Flash, traced it, redid it all in Flash and now I'm in the middle of animating it. So it's not cheating precisely, just improvising..... When it's turned in, all the pictures will be done in Flash and he doesn't have to know about me using the Photoshop program.
I don't feel dishonest and I don't feel like I should validate my decision because ultimately, if I want to get a good grade and pass with Honors again then I have to be creative...in more ways than one. So I'll work with what I do best then move it to practice what I don't do so well. It's the way of the Web Designer by the way.
While stressful, that wasn't the hardest part of today. The hardest part dealt with the kids. Currently my hubby is TDY (Temporary Duty) in another part of the US. He's been gone for 6 days and I have 9 days to go before he comes back. That means waking up early every morning, going to bed early (both of which I hate), feed the kids, dress the kids, bathe the kids, read to the kids, play with the kids, handle the kids, discipline the kids, listen to the kids scream, toss fits and oh yeah, break up the kids when they decide to fight. All the while trying to do my homework, work on the my Internet projects, write articles for the newsletter which is due in like a month anyway, work on my book, clean the house, take care of the cat and dog, go to the gym, get Raven started in school, try to find some way to have an eye appointment, empty out a few boxes, remember to feed myself, try to relax, finish a model that I started......
I'm exhausted just writing about it. For the last three days Isaiah hasn't been in the best of moods, which has made my daily routine somehow worse. He is insisting on being with me, either having me hold him or have him sit in my lap. Now this kid is getting heavy and lets be honest, washing dishes with one hand is just not a talent that I've developed. I'm good, but I'm not that good. It gets even harder when he refuses to let me do what is necessary.
For example, tonight we went and did some shopping. Food for the most part, but we also picked up new socks and underwear for Raven today, a new pair of pants because I think she just had another growth spurt, two belts because while she's tall, she's thin too (I'm trying not to be jealous of that fact by the way....succeeding for the most part but there are days....), plus I'm going to try and build my own organizer. Why? Because what I want to use it for, the ones that are available today wouldn't be able to do what I need. I tried using the computer calendar and that crashed and burned so bad that it hurt.
When we got home, I naturally have to bring the packages in. For one thing the dog food was in there and Chelsey (our dog) seems to enjoy eating, go figure. I also had some milk and other items that has to be refrigerated. Now, yes, it is a bit chilly these days, but I'm not going to let that stuff sit outside for an hour until the kids go to bed. So I started bringing it in. Isaiah was screaming and carrying on so badly that he headbutted the door. Amusing when you read it, but when you look at this big shiny red mark on his head, you don't feel like laughing. I'm at my wits end trying to get him to stop being so clingy to me.
I will be the first to admit that I wanted a boy because I liked the idea of a Mama's Boy....to a degree, but this is ridiculous folks. I grew up in a family that was about self reliance, I would like my kids to be the same way, but for some reason it's not working that way. Raven is bad, Isaiah gets really bad. Then again there are some days when both kids are really good about it. They don't cry at the drop of the hat, they don't have tantrums or anything like that every second. Then there are days like today when everything is wrong and Mommy's the reason for it.
What makes this all the worse, in my mind anyway, is that I don't want to do any of it. What I want to do is sit down with my manuscript and work on that...all day...every day. Obviously I can't, if anyone can when they have two children the same age as mine I feel two things for them. One is envy because I wish I could, and the other is pity because they don't choose to spend half or a majority of their time with their children. Now, perhaps, I'm a bit too enveloped in their lives, too deeply ingrained which would certainly explain why Isaiah is as needy as he tends to be at times. Then again, I like being able to share all their cheers and tears with them....
Okay, that settles it, I'm an oxymoron, a paradox that can't be happy or unhappy with the situation as it is. I'm just tired and there are days when I question my sanity then I look into their faces and realize that it's worth every hair pulling day.
----
Today I spoke to Raven about the 'monsters' that touch where they aren't suppose to. It took about twenty minutes to get her to understand it I think. The hang up was the word 'bad people' so it ended up being monsters. I thought that was good idea simply because I have to agree, if anyone molests a child are monsters. She knows that she's suppose to scream, run away and call out for either me or the cops. I tried to tell her she could scream out for her Daddy, but that seemed to confuse the issue so right now it's me and the cops if someone touches her in the bad place. I mention this because I had written last week about the oddity of my thoughts and my actions. Well, this actually is something that falls under that case.
You see I have all the paperwork for Raven to start school, it's filled out and practically ready to go. I plan on going in on Monday to get her started post haste. What I didn't realize until today, was the real reason why I had been putting off taking it in sooner. It came to me as soon as Raven and I stopped talking about the 'monsters'. It was a bit of fear. The idea that Raven is going to a school that I barely know, to be with kids and teachers I don't know very well scares me. I just have this worry gnawing at me unconsciously and I think it's because I was trying to put off the conversation with her.
I mean I wasn't sure if she was ready for it, if she could understand the concept. While I don't think she understands the why it's bad and that she must do what I told her to do, I think she does understand that it is bad and will do as I told her if it happens. I had tried earlier this week to talk to her about the password idea. I'm not sure if anyone is aware of the principle, but basically it works like this.
Let's say I can't pick Raven up at the bus stop for whatever reason...let's say I'm in the Hospital, so I send one of Ike's co-workers to pick her up for us. When he or she arrives there and Raven gets off the bus, the person will naturally say, "Your Mom and Dad asked me to pick you up." The way it's suppose to work is that immediately Raven should ask for the password. If the person knows it then she can go with them. If they don't, run to a police officer or someone of authority (teacher, bus driver...etc). I didn't get very far with that convo....I'm going to try again before Monday and hopefully I can think of a better way to explain it.
Doing this though reinforces the idea that today is a scary world. We have all sorts of people doing jacked up stuff that leaves me questioning about the direction the human race is taking. We seem to have more criminals than good guys sometimes....I stress the sometimes though folks because on most days I'm not feeling the strain of the day and can actually look at life with a bit of optimism....don't get me wrong, I'm more pragmatist than optimist, but there are days when I can fool myself into thinking more optimistically about general concepts.
--
You know, for a blog that's suppose to be about writing, I'm not talking about writing. Forgive me for it, but I'm not going to change the content. I really do think this is more about power writing than subject sometimes. For today it's about me pouring out inconsistent thoughts that plague my subconscious.
Friday 16 January 2009
Wednesday 14 January 2009
Brainstorming
You know what I find interesting? How our mind works. I'll take myself for example. Right now I'm tired, extremely tired, despite going to bed early I'm still on the precipice of being asleep. If I slow down for too long, say to watch TV or something, I'll be asleep in under ten minutes. Which of course means I'll have to keep moving. But, what is interesting is that despite the strong urge to close my eyes and go to sleep, I'm still thinking about a possible story.
Here's the situation. I learned of a writing contest that, if I was to win, the grand prize is $3,000 dollars plus a trip to New York for me and one other to meet with Agents, Editors and a Publisher. The entry is due in May and honestly I would love to win the grand prize. I have until May 15th to submit a short story that is 4,000 words long. That is the hard part. I have several possible ideas that could work. A serial killer confessional, Siam, I could even do a short story about Alex or maybe even Genie.....actually that's a really good idea.....Okay, a really good idea. I'd have to chew on it for awhile.
The problem however is this: How do I make it only 4,000 words and be interesting? This may not seem like a problem to most people, but I'm a slow and gradual kind of writer. I like to bring things out in time, pace the story so a short story feels, well, short. Of the four ideas, only three of them are actually viable for a short story. My serial killer piece, I'll be honest, the main character killed 19 people and you can't really confess to all 19 people in just 4,000 words. It's just not possible so realistically, unless I have the character only confess to the first one and leave the judges wanting more, then maybe. In reality though the Judges probably aren't going to care. A story is suppose to have a beginning, a middle and an end. If you leave them wanting more, clearly you don't have an end.
With Alex and Genie, well they are easy simply because I can do something from their life earlier than the story that I'm writing for them. Genie is CIA, I'm positive I could come up with some kind of mission gone wrong that can finish in 4,000 words.......okay, probably 8,000 words, but I'm flexible. I'm sure I can figure something out. If I do Alex then at least I can give her a try with readers that aren't friends or related to me. There is a sort of bias when it comes to friends and family after all that just can't be ignored....no matter how much you wish you could.
Siam is designed to be several short stories combined with one long story. Think of it like this: Chapter 1 is of course an introduction to Siam and the other people along for the ride. You find out what she looks like, how she acts...her strange sense of humor and that something isn't exactly right about her. Normal just doesn't apply. The second Chapter is in her point of view, she basically is talking to the reader while telling about this one job that she did. The hard part for Siam is that I have to step in and out of her skull throughout the whole story. For a short...which I might have one already accomplished now I think about it.....it would be of course from Siam's perspective, talking about a client. The problem is that I don't think it's 4,000 words, I think it's more.
I suppose I could do Nyx. If anyone is the easiest to write for it's Nyx, but she has a nasty habit of picking me up and running me where she wants to go which will take as long as it takes thank you very much.
There's one other possibility I suppose, an idea that has teased me off and on for the last few years. It's about my favorite theoretical subject, multiple realities. Here's the picture: A woman is walking into her kitchen to get some food for her children. She takes one step, two steps then bam, pain and she's out like a light. When she wakes up she's in the body of one of her duplicates within another reality. I know all the answers about how, why, what, when, where and who of course, but again, my problem with it being too long. I seem to be missing three separate genes in my body. The first one is the knack of drawing on paper, I just don't have it. The second seems to be the morning person gene. I am not happy with waking up early, I have a hard day the whole day if I do. Bad enough my daughter wakes me at 8:00 AM every morning, but when I have to wake up at about 6:30 just to get ready to go to the gym....I get cranky. The third gene is the kicker, it's the one that allows me to think up short stories instead of longer ones.
Anyway, who wants to read a 4,000 word story? What can you do with that? Not very much, unfortunately, you have time for one twist and that's it. Sadly I think that's a little boring, so what do I do? The answer is simple, I have until the middle of February to come up with an idea I like that could work then I have until May to write and edit the bloody thing. Plus I have school on top of that.............
I think I should have named this entry as Brainstorming and Whining. It seems half of this is just that, one or the other. The reason I'm brainstorming here instead of with my husband is because this week he's in Florida and next week he'll be in Arkansas, leaving me without a partner in the fiasco. The problem is that Ike and I think about things very differently, which is why it's easier to bounce ideas off of him since he looks at it in a completely different way than I may. This tells me one thing for certain.....I need to find more people that think like he does so that when he's away I'll have someone else to bounce my ideas off of.
Incidentally, if anyone thinks one of my ideas would be better than another, please let me know. The more input the better.
Here's the situation. I learned of a writing contest that, if I was to win, the grand prize is $3,000 dollars plus a trip to New York for me and one other to meet with Agents, Editors and a Publisher. The entry is due in May and honestly I would love to win the grand prize. I have until May 15th to submit a short story that is 4,000 words long. That is the hard part. I have several possible ideas that could work. A serial killer confessional, Siam, I could even do a short story about Alex or maybe even Genie.....actually that's a really good idea.....Okay, a really good idea. I'd have to chew on it for awhile.
The problem however is this: How do I make it only 4,000 words and be interesting? This may not seem like a problem to most people, but I'm a slow and gradual kind of writer. I like to bring things out in time, pace the story so a short story feels, well, short. Of the four ideas, only three of them are actually viable for a short story. My serial killer piece, I'll be honest, the main character killed 19 people and you can't really confess to all 19 people in just 4,000 words. It's just not possible so realistically, unless I have the character only confess to the first one and leave the judges wanting more, then maybe. In reality though the Judges probably aren't going to care. A story is suppose to have a beginning, a middle and an end. If you leave them wanting more, clearly you don't have an end.
With Alex and Genie, well they are easy simply because I can do something from their life earlier than the story that I'm writing for them. Genie is CIA, I'm positive I could come up with some kind of mission gone wrong that can finish in 4,000 words.......okay, probably 8,000 words, but I'm flexible. I'm sure I can figure something out. If I do Alex then at least I can give her a try with readers that aren't friends or related to me. There is a sort of bias when it comes to friends and family after all that just can't be ignored....no matter how much you wish you could.
Siam is designed to be several short stories combined with one long story. Think of it like this: Chapter 1 is of course an introduction to Siam and the other people along for the ride. You find out what she looks like, how she acts...her strange sense of humor and that something isn't exactly right about her. Normal just doesn't apply. The second Chapter is in her point of view, she basically is talking to the reader while telling about this one job that she did. The hard part for Siam is that I have to step in and out of her skull throughout the whole story. For a short...which I might have one already accomplished now I think about it.....it would be of course from Siam's perspective, talking about a client. The problem is that I don't think it's 4,000 words, I think it's more.
I suppose I could do Nyx. If anyone is the easiest to write for it's Nyx, but she has a nasty habit of picking me up and running me where she wants to go which will take as long as it takes thank you very much.
There's one other possibility I suppose, an idea that has teased me off and on for the last few years. It's about my favorite theoretical subject, multiple realities. Here's the picture: A woman is walking into her kitchen to get some food for her children. She takes one step, two steps then bam, pain and she's out like a light. When she wakes up she's in the body of one of her duplicates within another reality. I know all the answers about how, why, what, when, where and who of course, but again, my problem with it being too long. I seem to be missing three separate genes in my body. The first one is the knack of drawing on paper, I just don't have it. The second seems to be the morning person gene. I am not happy with waking up early, I have a hard day the whole day if I do. Bad enough my daughter wakes me at 8:00 AM every morning, but when I have to wake up at about 6:30 just to get ready to go to the gym....I get cranky. The third gene is the kicker, it's the one that allows me to think up short stories instead of longer ones.
Anyway, who wants to read a 4,000 word story? What can you do with that? Not very much, unfortunately, you have time for one twist and that's it. Sadly I think that's a little boring, so what do I do? The answer is simple, I have until the middle of February to come up with an idea I like that could work then I have until May to write and edit the bloody thing. Plus I have school on top of that.............
I think I should have named this entry as Brainstorming and Whining. It seems half of this is just that, one or the other. The reason I'm brainstorming here instead of with my husband is because this week he's in Florida and next week he'll be in Arkansas, leaving me without a partner in the fiasco. The problem is that Ike and I think about things very differently, which is why it's easier to bounce ideas off of him since he looks at it in a completely different way than I may. This tells me one thing for certain.....I need to find more people that think like he does so that when he's away I'll have someone else to bounce my ideas off of.
Incidentally, if anyone thinks one of my ideas would be better than another, please let me know. The more input the better.
Monday 12 January 2009
School, glorious school!
So, my first week started with Flash. It's a nifty graphic animation program that just looks, well, awesome. Yet, when I stare at it I find myself in a bind. I have to do my homework, but what I really want to do is sit down with my manuscript and work on that instead. It's easier to do that, which is saying something considering how many times I've already talked about how hard it is to edit my own stuff. Is this karma you think? Maybe someone is trying to tell me something, a little hint, a drop of a feather...something.
Throughout the last five years I have been given a thousand and one signs from the Gods and Goddesses (Yes, folks, you've read that correctly. I am Wiccan and I am proud of it. I've gone through a lot in regards to my choice of religion and in all honesty, I'm a little tired of trying to be sensitive to everyone's opinion on the matter. If you have a concern about my choice of Faith, my apologies if I seem insensitive. However, I've been having a conversation with a very good friend of mine that is devoutly Christian and in our conversation he has shown me that being afraid to admit the truth to those who love me is a disservice not just to myself but to my Faith. I am Wiccan, I believe in duality and I am proud....okay, that's out of my system, let me get back to the point) that my writing should take priority. From feathers to omens to readings to even a not so gentle nudge from my Spiritual Guides....and that was an experience I'll never forget.
So with all these hints and pushes toward this path, why oh why am I also working on being an artist? Would you believe I actually have an answer to that? It's simple really...I'm a glutton for punishment. I've given this a lot of thought in regards to creativity and the source of it. We all have a bit of it in ourselves and we express it in different ways. It doesn't make sense for one person to be more creative than another even though we hail artists and writers with an over abundance of it. On the contrary, I think that the mathematician or the physicist has just as much, if not more creativity than I or any of my more artistic friends and family. The difference is in the expression. In fact I have more admiration for the mathematician, historian or physicist than I do for other artists and writers (actually I envy the artists and writers for a totally different reason though) simply because not only are they creative, they have the technical know how.
Again though I seem to be stumbling off the subject. My point is that I have this well of creativity and apparently it's not satisfied with just one outlet...though why not I can't understand simply because just to write a book takes so much out of me that it's frightening. I guess because it's a different medium that is the main point. Writing the words gives an avenue for the internal conflict within myself. Think about it for a moment if you will. A book is filled with characters, plots, craziness and romance. We have to twist the life of a person(s) in this story to make it interesting. I don't think I've read a single book that has the story premise that everything was fine when it started, fine in the middle of it and fine at the end of it. Our lives are, and pardon me for saying this, a bit mundane when you compare it to the world of movies and books. We dip into those mediums for the hope of an adventure that's safe and exciting to us. We want to be oohhed and aahhed. Why? Where else are we going to get it?
So the writers of these books need to have some kind of desire, deep down or at the surface, for the adventure they write about. Now, I'm not sure about other writers and if you are one, please feel free to let me know, but as for me when I start writing a story I find myself in the story. It's in my day dreams, my dreams at night, even in my thoughts. It's almost as if I'm living it in a way....but that just may be wishful thinking on my part.
Art and web designing though is a whole different kettle of fish. It requires a different set of creative muscles and perhaps the reason why I'm flexing both sets at once is because I like exhausting myself mentally. I suppose it would explain all my attempts to draw people into theoretical discussions about multiple realities and whether or not aliens really do exist and if they do would they really be a bipedal?
So why exhaust myself mentally? For fun? Or is there some deeper need that I'm attempt to satisfy or replace? That's the real question I suppose, the one I have no answer for. Yet I can't help but try to search for it. If anyone has any thoughts about it, please feel free to share them. The more the merrier I suppose.
Throughout the last five years I have been given a thousand and one signs from the Gods and Goddesses (Yes, folks, you've read that correctly. I am Wiccan and I am proud of it. I've gone through a lot in regards to my choice of religion and in all honesty, I'm a little tired of trying to be sensitive to everyone's opinion on the matter. If you have a concern about my choice of Faith, my apologies if I seem insensitive. However, I've been having a conversation with a very good friend of mine that is devoutly Christian and in our conversation he has shown me that being afraid to admit the truth to those who love me is a disservice not just to myself but to my Faith. I am Wiccan, I believe in duality and I am proud....okay, that's out of my system, let me get back to the point) that my writing should take priority. From feathers to omens to readings to even a not so gentle nudge from my Spiritual Guides....and that was an experience I'll never forget.
So with all these hints and pushes toward this path, why oh why am I also working on being an artist? Would you believe I actually have an answer to that? It's simple really...I'm a glutton for punishment. I've given this a lot of thought in regards to creativity and the source of it. We all have a bit of it in ourselves and we express it in different ways. It doesn't make sense for one person to be more creative than another even though we hail artists and writers with an over abundance of it. On the contrary, I think that the mathematician or the physicist has just as much, if not more creativity than I or any of my more artistic friends and family. The difference is in the expression. In fact I have more admiration for the mathematician, historian or physicist than I do for other artists and writers (actually I envy the artists and writers for a totally different reason though) simply because not only are they creative, they have the technical know how.
Again though I seem to be stumbling off the subject. My point is that I have this well of creativity and apparently it's not satisfied with just one outlet...though why not I can't understand simply because just to write a book takes so much out of me that it's frightening. I guess because it's a different medium that is the main point. Writing the words gives an avenue for the internal conflict within myself. Think about it for a moment if you will. A book is filled with characters, plots, craziness and romance. We have to twist the life of a person(s) in this story to make it interesting. I don't think I've read a single book that has the story premise that everything was fine when it started, fine in the middle of it and fine at the end of it. Our lives are, and pardon me for saying this, a bit mundane when you compare it to the world of movies and books. We dip into those mediums for the hope of an adventure that's safe and exciting to us. We want to be oohhed and aahhed. Why? Where else are we going to get it?
So the writers of these books need to have some kind of desire, deep down or at the surface, for the adventure they write about. Now, I'm not sure about other writers and if you are one, please feel free to let me know, but as for me when I start writing a story I find myself in the story. It's in my day dreams, my dreams at night, even in my thoughts. It's almost as if I'm living it in a way....but that just may be wishful thinking on my part.
Art and web designing though is a whole different kettle of fish. It requires a different set of creative muscles and perhaps the reason why I'm flexing both sets at once is because I like exhausting myself mentally. I suppose it would explain all my attempts to draw people into theoretical discussions about multiple realities and whether or not aliens really do exist and if they do would they really be a bipedal?
So why exhaust myself mentally? For fun? Or is there some deeper need that I'm attempt to satisfy or replace? That's the real question I suppose, the one I have no answer for. Yet I can't help but try to search for it. If anyone has any thoughts about it, please feel free to share them. The more the merrier I suppose.
Wednesday 7 January 2009
It's the New Year
Well, as you all know, we're in 2009. Whoo hoo! It's starting out wonderfully for me so far.....I'm working out to get thinner and healthier, I'm trying to eat more regularly which leads to another irritation of mine, which I may or may not get into later. And on the 9th I'm going to be starting school again. Yipee!.......okay, I'm not as excited about it as I usually am. I liked being on vacation so to speak from learning and doing anything that required strenuous thinking beyond what I wanted to think about. Oh well, hopefully my enthusiasm for it will come after I start.
Then, my biggest resolution, finish the blasted book! We all have resolutions that we make every single year, or at least a list of of them. It's fairly simple, the first five.
1. Loose weight
2. Spend more time with my family
3. Clean the house more regularly
4. Get out of the house more often...aka, make more friends
5. FINISH THE BOOK
At least this year I'm a bit closer after what, 14 1/2 years of saying that resolution? You know, in thinking about it if I was asked what my biggest accomplishment was I'd have to say that I've never given up being a writer. I've given up so many things in my life, usually when they were half completed, but writing a book...writing several books....never gave that up. It's my dream, my quest. I suppose in the scheme of things we all need that one obsessive project. Mine is SGU and the book. I just need to be a bit more dedicated. Write on one story every day, not change which story I'm writing each day. Hey, at least I do write every day though.
I'm at page 80 of my manuscript, working on editing it more regularly than I have been. It's been ebbing from frequent to only one page a day, which is hard enough because I sometimes feel like I'm a slacker in regards to it. Though, in retrospect the fact that I only started last August and I'm at page 80 after already adding over 100,000 more words to it isn't that bad, but if I hope to have it finished by my birthday, I need to really start cracking.
There are just days when it's easier to not worry about it than to actually sit down with it.....
So here's my resolution for my book. I will work on it every day, even if it's just a few sentences. Yeah, that sounds good......
Here's hoping.
Then, my biggest resolution, finish the blasted book! We all have resolutions that we make every single year, or at least a list of of them. It's fairly simple, the first five.
1. Loose weight
2. Spend more time with my family
3. Clean the house more regularly
4. Get out of the house more often...aka, make more friends
5. FINISH THE BOOK
At least this year I'm a bit closer after what, 14 1/2 years of saying that resolution? You know, in thinking about it if I was asked what my biggest accomplishment was I'd have to say that I've never given up being a writer. I've given up so many things in my life, usually when they were half completed, but writing a book...writing several books....never gave that up. It's my dream, my quest. I suppose in the scheme of things we all need that one obsessive project. Mine is SGU and the book. I just need to be a bit more dedicated. Write on one story every day, not change which story I'm writing each day. Hey, at least I do write every day though.
I'm at page 80 of my manuscript, working on editing it more regularly than I have been. It's been ebbing from frequent to only one page a day, which is hard enough because I sometimes feel like I'm a slacker in regards to it. Though, in retrospect the fact that I only started last August and I'm at page 80 after already adding over 100,000 more words to it isn't that bad, but if I hope to have it finished by my birthday, I need to really start cracking.
There are just days when it's easier to not worry about it than to actually sit down with it.....
So here's my resolution for my book. I will work on it every day, even if it's just a few sentences. Yeah, that sounds good......
Here's hoping.
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