I couldn't come up with a suitable word that rhymed and was accurate about today. It wasn't too bad I suppose, not until night had fallen. I spent about eight hours, off and on throughout the day, working on my homework which is a pain in the butt simply because for some stupid reason we're not suppose to use our other programs along with Flash to do it.....okay, it's not completely stupid. Impractical perhaps simply because in the 'real world' of the profession, the client isn't going to say "Well, we would like to have a furniture gallery and could you please make sure it is done only in Adobe Flash?" In reality he's going to say, "We need a furniture gallery that has some animation to it and something that looks professional and cool."
So I cheated....okay, not exactly what I would call cheat. My instructor, at the beginning of the class, told us that we could take a picture, lock it then trace it using Flash. So, that's what I did...technically. In reality I planned the whole layout of the project in Photoshop then moved it into Flash, traced it, redid it all in Flash and now I'm in the middle of animating it. So it's not cheating precisely, just improvising..... When it's turned in, all the pictures will be done in Flash and he doesn't have to know about me using the Photoshop program.
I don't feel dishonest and I don't feel like I should validate my decision because ultimately, if I want to get a good grade and pass with Honors again then I have to be creative...in more ways than one. So I'll work with what I do best then move it to practice what I don't do so well. It's the way of the Web Designer by the way.
While stressful, that wasn't the hardest part of today. The hardest part dealt with the kids. Currently my hubby is TDY (Temporary Duty) in another part of the US. He's been gone for 6 days and I have 9 days to go before he comes back. That means waking up early every morning, going to bed early (both of which I hate), feed the kids, dress the kids, bathe the kids, read to the kids, play with the kids, handle the kids, discipline the kids, listen to the kids scream, toss fits and oh yeah, break up the kids when they decide to fight. All the while trying to do my homework, work on the my Internet projects, write articles for the newsletter which is due in like a month anyway, work on my book, clean the house, take care of the cat and dog, go to the gym, get Raven started in school, try to find some way to have an eye appointment, empty out a few boxes, remember to feed myself, try to relax, finish a model that I started......
I'm exhausted just writing about it. For the last three days Isaiah hasn't been in the best of moods, which has made my daily routine somehow worse. He is insisting on being with me, either having me hold him or have him sit in my lap. Now this kid is getting heavy and lets be honest, washing dishes with one hand is just not a talent that I've developed. I'm good, but I'm not that good. It gets even harder when he refuses to let me do what is necessary.
For example, tonight we went and did some shopping. Food for the most part, but we also picked up new socks and underwear for Raven today, a new pair of pants because I think she just had another growth spurt, two belts because while she's tall, she's thin too (I'm trying not to be jealous of that fact by the way....succeeding for the most part but there are days....), plus I'm going to try and build my own organizer. Why? Because what I want to use it for, the ones that are available today wouldn't be able to do what I need. I tried using the computer calendar and that crashed and burned so bad that it hurt.
When we got home, I naturally have to bring the packages in. For one thing the dog food was in there and Chelsey (our dog) seems to enjoy eating, go figure. I also had some milk and other items that has to be refrigerated. Now, yes, it is a bit chilly these days, but I'm not going to let that stuff sit outside for an hour until the kids go to bed. So I started bringing it in. Isaiah was screaming and carrying on so badly that he headbutted the door. Amusing when you read it, but when you look at this big shiny red mark on his head, you don't feel like laughing. I'm at my wits end trying to get him to stop being so clingy to me.
I will be the first to admit that I wanted a boy because I liked the idea of a Mama's Boy....to a degree, but this is ridiculous folks. I grew up in a family that was about self reliance, I would like my kids to be the same way, but for some reason it's not working that way. Raven is bad, Isaiah gets really bad. Then again there are some days when both kids are really good about it. They don't cry at the drop of the hat, they don't have tantrums or anything like that every second. Then there are days like today when everything is wrong and Mommy's the reason for it.
What makes this all the worse, in my mind anyway, is that I don't want to do any of it. What I want to do is sit down with my manuscript and work on that...all day...every day. Obviously I can't, if anyone can when they have two children the same age as mine I feel two things for them. One is envy because I wish I could, and the other is pity because they don't choose to spend half or a majority of their time with their children. Now, perhaps, I'm a bit too enveloped in their lives, too deeply ingrained which would certainly explain why Isaiah is as needy as he tends to be at times. Then again, I like being able to share all their cheers and tears with them....
Okay, that settles it, I'm an oxymoron, a paradox that can't be happy or unhappy with the situation as it is. I'm just tired and there are days when I question my sanity then I look into their faces and realize that it's worth every hair pulling day.
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Today I spoke to Raven about the 'monsters' that touch where they aren't suppose to. It took about twenty minutes to get her to understand it I think. The hang up was the word 'bad people' so it ended up being monsters. I thought that was good idea simply because I have to agree, if anyone molests a child are monsters. She knows that she's suppose to scream, run away and call out for either me or the cops. I tried to tell her she could scream out for her Daddy, but that seemed to confuse the issue so right now it's me and the cops if someone touches her in the bad place. I mention this because I had written last week about the oddity of my thoughts and my actions. Well, this actually is something that falls under that case.
You see I have all the paperwork for Raven to start school, it's filled out and practically ready to go. I plan on going in on Monday to get her started post haste. What I didn't realize until today, was the real reason why I had been putting off taking it in sooner. It came to me as soon as Raven and I stopped talking about the 'monsters'. It was a bit of fear. The idea that Raven is going to a school that I barely know, to be with kids and teachers I don't know very well scares me. I just have this worry gnawing at me unconsciously and I think it's because I was trying to put off the conversation with her.
I mean I wasn't sure if she was ready for it, if she could understand the concept. While I don't think she understands the why it's bad and that she must do what I told her to do, I think she does understand that it is bad and will do as I told her if it happens. I had tried earlier this week to talk to her about the password idea. I'm not sure if anyone is aware of the principle, but basically it works like this.
Let's say I can't pick Raven up at the bus stop for whatever reason...let's say I'm in the Hospital, so I send one of Ike's co-workers to pick her up for us. When he or she arrives there and Raven gets off the bus, the person will naturally say, "Your Mom and Dad asked me to pick you up." The way it's suppose to work is that immediately Raven should ask for the password. If the person knows it then she can go with them. If they don't, run to a police officer or someone of authority (teacher, bus driver...etc). I didn't get very far with that convo....I'm going to try again before Monday and hopefully I can think of a better way to explain it.
Doing this though reinforces the idea that today is a scary world. We have all sorts of people doing jacked up stuff that leaves me questioning about the direction the human race is taking. We seem to have more criminals than good guys sometimes....I stress the sometimes though folks because on most days I'm not feeling the strain of the day and can actually look at life with a bit of optimism....don't get me wrong, I'm more pragmatist than optimist, but there are days when I can fool myself into thinking more optimistically about general concepts.
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You know, for a blog that's suppose to be about writing, I'm not talking about writing. Forgive me for it, but I'm not going to change the content. I really do think this is more about power writing than subject sometimes. For today it's about me pouring out inconsistent thoughts that plague my subconscious.
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