Fear

You know, I'm one of those people who refuses to admit, out loud anyway, an honest fear.  I find if I don't say it, I'm not.  Like roller coasters for instance.  I hate them, but not because I'm afraid of them.  I hate them because I'm not in control of them.  Does that make me a control freak?  Sometimes, yes, I am.  I'm a control freak in the car (I hate not driving).  I'm a control freak when it comes to projects I'm personally involved in.  When I was working, I didn't want to let go of the Hazardous Waste program because it was mine.  I built it and I made it work so it was mine.....I could go on but I think you get the point.

So, admitting that I'm afraid of something is huge.  Not just huge, but gargantuan.  But again, I have found that sometimes true honesty means saying "I'm afraid."  So, now, in a blog no one reads, I will say it...I'm afraid.

What do I fear?  I'm afraid that the dream that I've aspired for since I was 14 will never come true.  I'm terrified that I won't get published, that my writing isn't good enough to be published.  That one day I'll have to give it up.  It leaves me quaking, this fear.  In thinking about it, I realize that my fear is what has caused me not to get off my ass and actually do what has to be done to make it possible.  I have to send query letters out, to see if I have any takers.  Until I do, I'll never know the answer.

It's hard for me to admit that, to accept this truth about myself.  The thing is, I don't know why I can't pull myself out of it.  To just grab myself by the nose hairs and get it done.  It's not like me to feel this doubt in regard to anything that I've had to use my mind to pursue.  I don't want to sound egotistical or anything like that, but truthfully using my mind to accomplish tasks is not that difficult for me. 

I breeze through school with little to no effort (which is funny because I didn't do that well in High School).  Mastering art and design has been simple, teaching myself to code equally so.  What I succeed at mentally is directly countered in what I fail at in the physical department.  Exercise and sports are really not my forte.  Proof of this comes from how many injuries I've sustained over the years of attempting it when I was a kid.  So in that I am balanced.  I have also accepted that when I make up my mind to accomplish something, it's not that difficult either.  A great example is to stop drinking sodas.  I decided to stop and did it.  Except for the first day, I don't have any cravings for it so that is good.

Yet, despite that, I'm afraid of putting myself out there.  A part of me knows the reason, it's because I don't want to be rejected.  That is probably the biggest struggle I've had all my life.  The idea of it makes me nauseous, which is probably the source of this fear.

The question is, how do I push past it?  If I ever figure it out, I'll write it here....